Tag Archives: Thought

You Can Have It All, My Friend

This post is for a friend whom I adore. I think about him all of the time and send him energy and kind thoughts and love through the ether. I literally feel him inside of my soul, like down inside the deepest places inside my inner cosmos. I love this man more than I can ever articulate. He would likely balk at knowing this, but too bad. It’s my blog. I can do what I want. Heh, heh.

Anyway, my friend’s been struggling lately and I started stream-of-consciousness writing on a notepad intending to send it to him. It then occurred to me that it might help some of you, my other lovely friends, whom I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know through this blog. So, this is what I channeled in a burst that lasted for about seven minutes. When I was done, I was shaking with energy and feelings. I was smiling like a drunk. I was so full of hope and love, it choked me a little. I hope you take it to heart, hear this deeply, and draw it inside of you. And, I hope you believe it.

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Here’s a secret: That dream, the one you harbor deep inside and rarely talk about, much less admit to others, the dream that wakes you in the wee hours of the night, and sends your pulse skittering with excitement. That one. That seemingly impossible one. You get to live it. How?

By living it in your mind first. Do it in your mind. When you can’t see how to control external circumstances, when there appears to be no way to bring the dream closer, like it will never come, and you should give it up, don’t stand for that. Don’t believe it. Do your experiencing of the dream in your big, creative, thriving mind first. It will happen faster if you do. And, it’s an absolute guarantee that with enough alignment and focus on your part, your dream will manifest eventually.

See the dream in your hands, or in your eyes, or in your reality. See yourself moving through the circumstances of it. What does it look like? How do you FEEL when you have it, hold it, taste it, experience it? What are the emotions, the sensations, the images? Taste the emotional flavors of your dream. What are they? Joy? Laughter? Determination? Resolve? Satisfaction?

Pull the images of your dream through you until you’re shaking with excitement from them, until your body vibrates with energy, and you can’t wait to jump up and go make something happen, until you are so lit up by the practice of thinking about the dream that it doesn’t matter if it isn’t here yet. Experience it first in your mind and it will come.ocean_unsplash

Feel how your lovely body feels while all of this is going on. Are you excited? Happy? Tense? Energized? Hopeful? Can you feel the nuances of emotion blossoming through you? Can you feel the pulse of joy at the center of it? Is there heat in your belly? Your spine? Does your head tingle? Do your legs ache with it? Then, it’s a good dream and you get to keep dreaming it until it becomes a reality. It doesn’t matter if the dream is impractical or seemingly impossible. We live in energy. We are energy beings. We are spirits who are not bound by anything physical, despite the crap many of us are taught in childhood. There is no end to energy. You are pure energy and you rearrange the molecules of your existence (yes, the very matter) with your consciousness; so use your mind to live the dream before it manifests and then, look out.

Grab the sensations moving through you and milk them for every breathless ounce of pleasure you can before the dream gets here. Do this daily for ten minutes. Do this to bring yourself up in a down moment. Do this to positively program your day before you leave the house. Waiting at the dentist’s office? Sit and dream in the waiting room. Use that time to program the universe with what you want. It’s your creation. This is yours. Everything that’s in physical was energy (as in, thought) first. You get to live your dream. You get to touch it, feel it, explore it, fully.

And, when you prove it to yourself with this dream, you get to do it again with another one. So, get to it, babe. I’m gonna cheer you on every single step of the way. I’m gonna celebrate your dream before it manifests. I’m gonna give you whatever I can to support your journey. Because, you are a part of my dream. You can have it all my friend(s). You can. We can. Let’s do it.

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Trapped in a Big Fat Trap

Very recently, I’ve realized something that I have felt for a very long time. I’m in a trap. A trap that I’ve obviously constructed with great care and precision but haven’t been able to step out of no matter how hard I work on myself. I’ve articulated this through some tune-up therapy sessions with a remarkable psychologist here in Sedona and was able to express how big this is for me. In all of my many lifetimes, the collective experiences, exhaustive nuances of emotion, endless thoughts, and activities have created a near-constant sense of claustrophobia or “stuckness” inside of me. I feel trapped. Alot. And, like any trapped animal, hmmm…well, I fight it. In fact, I often feel like I’m chewing a leg off to get free, but free of what?

So, I’ve been drilling into what this idea of being trapped means and why it seems to be coming to a head in this life now. And, believe you me, it’s coming to a serious head right now. I’ve been looking at what these ideas mean for my lovely body. I’ve been asking myself why I often carry an underlying current of anxiety and unease that is closely tied to feeling stuck. I’ve been asking if I am in fact really stuck or is this such a common refrain with me that I’ve gotten used to it and believe that I am stuck. I’ve also been able to isolate that feeling trapped is a “theme”, in most (if not all) of my lives; this feeling is not new to me at all; it’s very familiar, though it feels like it hasn’t been so sharply outlined until now.

I’ll give you an example of one of my more recent lives where I felt so incredibly trapped, I invented a way out of that life at an early age, because I just couldn’t take the pressure, pain, and confinement anymore. In the mid 1800s, I was in a convent in England. Both of my parents had died. At age 12, I was shipped off to live with the nuns in the countryside. I was unruly, loud, restless (hmmm…sensing another life theme here, too?!), disobedient, and constantly punished by the nuns for being so wild and disruptive. Eventually, the nuns grew so tired of my outbursts and having to scold me all of the time that they sent me to live out in the barn with the goats and other animals, where a mute nun named, Mary took care of me and raised me alongside the goats. Mary and the goats were the highlight of that entire lifetime. Anyway, at age 15, I was “purchased” by an older wealthy man, a total stranger, and he moved me to France where he then proceeded to rape me as soon as the carriage pulled up in front of the house. He impregnated me immediately and at age 16, I died horrifically in childbirth.

This is just one of many examples from my past of being confined, stuck, powerless, and abused. And, lest you think what happens in our past lives does not influence the present-day life, think again. It’s all in there, recorded inside of our souls, and it’s all exerting influence whether you believe in this stuff or not. It comes out. It finds a way.  And, oh, mama, is it ever coming out in my life now. In this particular life, I’ve felt:

  • Trapped in a family of angry, dysfunctional people
  • Trapped by poverty and circumstance
  • Trapped in my jobs
  • Trapped by workaholism
  • Trapped in a body that hasn’t been my ideal (until the last 20 years or so)
  • Trapped in relationship
  • Trapped by my own thoughts, feelings, and need for expression
  • Trapped by my ego
  • Trapped by my desires
  • Trapped in an existence that has long-ceased being fun
  • Trapped by societal rules, regulations, gender definitions, and codifications for behavior
  • Trapped by friendships and other people’s expectations of me
  • Trapped by my rampant anxiety
  • Trapped by religion
  • Trapped by a psychic ability that scares the livin’ crap out of me and which I greatly stifle

On and on and on….

In this life, I’ve felt huge resistance to being in yet another body, being in yet another difficult and painful incarnation. I’ve often felt chained to my psychology, bound by my emotional struggles, glued-in-place by yet another abysmal childhood, and suffocated by my intensity. Many times in this life, I’ve turned my eyes heavenward and pleaded with Source/Creator/All-That-Is to release me from this earthly trap. I’m still here. Healthy as a horse. Yes, even with over 20 lung embolisms (in both lungs) in 2012 and a clot the size of Kansas in my right leg, plus six surgeries in three weeks to treat the effects of the clots, I’m still friggen’ here. Trapped. Always caged. Always bound to the earth plane. Always suffering. And, the worst (best?) part of it: always painfully aware, awake, full-feeling, and unavoidably sober. I cannot escape this. I cannot go back to numbing myself (like in past lives). I cannot take the edges off. I cannot get relief except by walking through the fire and burning in it. And, oh, how I burn.

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So, why this realization and revelation now? Why is this such a strong sense in me now? What does it mean for my beautiful, long-suffering body now? What can I do about it? What does this situation need from me to shift it? How do I shift this? As you can see, my questions are copulating like bunnies and making even more questions. Maybe it’s partly due to my age. I’m 49 and rabidly menopausal. So, maybe some of these feelings are just what “women do at this time in their lives”. But, what does it all mean? Dunno yet. However, I can tell you that I have an urgency inside right now that is really strong. And, I feel trapped in my work/life situation.

The trapped thoughts/feelings are stemming from confining myself psychically, mentally, and physically. I’ve worked myself into a stupor for 30 years. I’m talking about 80+-hour weeks for 30 straight years. I’ve let life speed past me while I sat at a keyboard tapping out words for corporations and making them gobs of money while allowing myself to remain chained to their success instead of my own. I’ve not rested or relaxed or sat still. I’ve take only one formal vacation in my life (in 2010) where I left the country, but what did I do for most of the vacation? I worked in my hotel room. Work is my addiction, my distraction, my drug. Choosing “paying work” keeps me from doing my deeper self-work. It has distracted me from living in the deepest depths where I want (and don’t want) to be. It has kept me from drilling down on my “sensitivity”, my psychic ability.

Sure, I’ve gotten a crap-load of stuff done. I’m not a total slug. I have more energy than most and I have made tremendous strides on myself despite my work addiction. I’ve come a very long way, but right now, I’m feeling so, so stuck because of these commitments that I’ve made and “must see through”. Seriously, a very large part of me wants to move to a huge mountain, live in a tiny cabin, chop wood, grow vegetables, ride my Harley, work only when absolutely necessary, write my books, meditate, do yoga, and breathe. That’s it. I want to check out. I want to feel the earth, listen to the earth, be fully awake on the earth, and rest for my last 27-odd years here.

So, this week, I processed these thoughts/feelings with my awesome psychologist and he gently reminded me that “being trapped” is a thought that I am attaching to; it’s a “story” that I am identifying as reality, but it is not reality. I’ve been believing my thoughts about being trapped. So, the thoughts are the trap. Isn’t that interesting? But, the reality is: I am not trapped. I am free. I can walk away. I can change my circumstances. I can come and go. I can move. I can fly anywhere in the world, if I really want to, and I can do anything I want. What’s important is the feeling attached to the thought of being trapped. It’s what’s below the stories that I tell myself that is most important to trace and then understand. What’s the feeling? What’s below it? What’s causing the pain? Pause…pause…pause…

Sitting with it, I learned this: I feel HUGE fear and pain below the story of “being trapped”. Fear of taking true responsibility for myself, of standing up for myself, and speaking my truth. Why? Okay…go deeper…deeper…yep…right there…got it. When I stood up for myself in childhood, my mom physically and emotionally abused me. She routinely tried to destroy me over the twelve years that I lived with her and she tried in multiple ways. Other people in the past have done similar stuff to me, too. Feeling trapped is tied to this core of fear, pain, and mistrust. People sometimes hurt me when I stand up and tell them what I think, when I reveal my tender underbelly, when I get vulnerable. People have maligned and shamed my expression. People sometimes use my words against me later. People often judge and criticize me for my feelings. I’ve been hugely damaged when getting real and trusting others.

And, as an aside, like many people do, I’ve “shielded” with my body. I’ve used my body to keep people at bay, keep the world away from me, to keep people out of my tender core. My body has dutifully guarded my innards by being larger and denser. She’s been my “protector”. She’s been my insulator all of these years, my padding against the weapons people have waved at me and used on me. How I love my body for protecting me and doing exactly what I needed from her and couldn’t even openly articulate. I have the best body on this planet. I know it. She’s the best one.

Anyway, on the outside, I know that I want to stand up for myself because it means greater clarity and greater expansion as a consciousness, but when I do stand up for myself, I get stomped. So, inside is a huge feeling of being unable to stand up (trapped) to clear the way for my expansion because that comes with huge pain, familiar pain, unwanted pain. There. That’s it. This is all a natural reaction to past experiences and damage. I can identify with the thoughts that are a lie or I can go deeper and unearth what’s below the thoughts, which is the truth. The feelings are the truth. My feelings are here for a very good reason; they make perfect sense. The feelings never lie.The feelings are the path through the darkness.

Now, my real work comes. What to do with all of this? How to “act” in integrity and clarity around this revelation? How to invite understanding and communication with myself and others on this. How to heal this? I’m going to continue looking at it and going below the surface of the thoughts. For now, that is enough. When I can, I’m going to speak my truth to others and regardless of their reactions, I’m going to know that it’s enough for me to have spoken my truth. They do not have to accept me or my expression. They do not have to validate me. I do. I’m opening the trap and stepping from it. I’m walking into the unknown, into the soft air, into the arms of the mountain. I’m freeing myself.

Being on Fire, All of the Time

Admit it. From reading the title of this post, you think this is a diatribe about menopause, don’t you? I would. I mean, yeah, everyone who is in female body this time around goes through it. Most of my readers are female. And, many of you know that I’m knee-deep in the “change” and physically hot much of the time. But, no. This post is not about menopause. I’ll spare you that particular madness today. LOL!

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Artwork, thanks to unsplash, which gives us beauty, freely: https://unsplash.com/

 

No, this is a post about living wide open, living on fire. It’s about allowing our bodies to channel energy, consciousness, feeling, thought, and experience in a greater capacity; it’s about accepting that we are conduits for spirit and aligning ourselves with that primary thought. It’s about how to lay down the barricades, let experiences live inside of us, pull deeper meaning from the tissues of the body, grow from the exercises, and contribute a more authentic part of the self to all that is. In short, this post is imploring you (and me) to turn “on”. I want us to walk forward in life, gilded by the fire of self-awareness, knowing that we are never alone, never abandoned, never truly damaged by anything, not even death.

Ambitious, I know. Not sure I can do this topic total justice, but you know me: I’ve got lots of words and I’m going to use them. I’ll do my best and am counting on you to tell me if I fall short.

oneFirst rule of being on fire all of the time: Accept that everything you feel is good, right, makes sense, and has a place. Everything we feel is right. Are you feeling so angry that you could kill someone today? It’s okay. That feeling is right. You have every right to feel that way. Those are not “bad” feelings. They are just feelings. Feel your feelings. Know that your emotions are always there for a reason. You aren’t making this shit up. Some people suck. Some people are cruel to us. Some people, in the expression of their own harm, offer harm to us (that we then decide to pick up, let in, and work with). Your feelings about anything going on in your life are always right, true, good, and useful to you.

It’s what we do with the feelings that counts. It’s about digging out, from deep inside of us, what the feelings mean, and their origins. So, how do we accept that our feelings are always right? We think about them. We observe when we are having them. We identify them. For example, “Oh, this is anger. I’m angry. Why am I angry about this? What’s below this anger? What’s the message that I’m taking from this person’s behavior? What are my thoughts associated with this episode of anger?”

We can then seek to dialog with the feelings and trace them back down into the depths, into the core places, to the beginning. Why am I angry? Pause. Let the question float into your body. Feel it there. Find the spot where it lives in your body. Your epiphany will come. “Ah, I see now. This person’s behavior triggered some thoughts in me that go all the way back to childhood about feeling less than okay in my family. Ah. I see. This person’s behavior is a message that I maintain about not being good enough. Okay. I get it now. These feelings are valid and merely indicating a part of me that I’m animating in this moment. I want to dig into this more. I want relief from this and I want to take responsibility, so I’m going in…deeper…”

This practice of accepting feelings takes some people an entire incarnation (or more). Just this one step. But, if you can get to the place of largely accepting that your feelings are right and a result of your thoughts, your core beliefs, you are living on fire. You are living a more healthy life. It’s a simple-sounding thing to do. But, it takes real work. It takes astuteness. It takes being awake and being present. It takes a willingness to be responsible. Your feelings and thoughts are your responsibility. You created them. If you can also accept your emotions, you are ahead of the game. Now, go forth and own how you feel, invite your feelings in, hold them, understand them, ask questions of them, get to the source of why you react the way that you do, know that your emotions will shift when you are ready, and thank your feelings for telling you about the thing that you wanted to explore. If you do this one thing, you’ll see your life open up in miraculous ways.

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Second rule of being on fire all of the time: Accept that there is more going on in your life than what you can physically see. The physical manifestations of energy, what we physically see in the world, are varied, rich, and infinite, but they are only half of the picture. There are truly countless things happening below the level of our perceptions, in what I call the soul-level consciousness, that directly impact how we move through and create this world.

I love the Pierre Teilhard de Chardin quote that says: “We are not physical beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a physical experience.” Yes. Like it or not. Believe it or not. We are spirit in physical form. We come back here to earth for a core reason that is often only known to us in our souls. Some people can get right in there and find out what that core reason for their being is and then move on it. While, others struggle to understand it or grasp it and may never know. But, it changes nothing. What we see is not all there is, regardless of what “ology” or “ism” or “non-belief” you might entertain in this lifetime.

How can you sense this? Close your eyes. Call in one of your spirit guides (whether you believe in them or not). Ask your guide to give you a sensation in your hand or leg. Wait for it. If you train yourself, you will be able to feel them show up. You will feel something. Still not convinced? Walk into your room angry and see how your dog or cat reacts to you. Watch the energy emanating from your physical body in the reactions of others. THIS IS WHAT’S REAL. You are sensing the invisible realm that is at the core of all life, the spirit, the Source of all that is, the impetus for all things, and it is each of us. We are extensions of Source energy in physical bodies.

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Robert Lanza, M.D.

Need more? You can read this life-changing book: Biocentrism: How Life and Consciousness are the Keys to Understanding the Universe by the esteemed and amazing, Robert Lanza, M.D. (AKA: God in the flesh). I guarantee that this one book will change your life forever. You could read 500 other books and never arrive at the shores of this particular truth so concretely and so satisfyingly. Yeah, the book is dense and quantum-physics-central, but don’t let the math and density scare you. If I can get it, you can, too.

This book explains mankind’s “universe” in a mere 207 pages. You will never, ever be the same. You will never look at your feelings, thoughts, or behaviors in the same way. You will be freed from your past, freed from your limited focus, freed from your narrow ideas about what it means to be alive. You will finally understand that true life is what’s going on in the invisible realms and it includes the physical stuff, but the physical is just a result of the invisible, the consciousness called you. Physical manifestations: bodies, cars, books, trees, mountains, etc. are all coalesced by your consciousness, my consciousness, not the other way around. We create matter. Plain and simple. We do. These things do not exist at all without our consciousness directing them, shaping them, molding the molecules. And, humanity is getting very close to proving this.

threeThird rule of being on fire all of the time: Accept that your body is your fastest and biggest ally in growing your consciousness. You cannot get what you came here to do done without your physical body. You cannot live without your body. Your lovely body is how your spirit advances. It’s how you get what you came to manifest manifested. Your body is vital to your growth as a consciousness, a soul; it’s necessary, right, and good. Your body is the quickest messenger and “manifester” of your thought and feelings. Your body is your first and closest barometer for the direction of your thoughts. Plain and simple. If you’re sick, that means you are resisting something. What? Find out.

If you can get to the point where you can accept that your body, right or wrong, sick or well, fat or thin, is your chance to expand as a soul, you’ll be living on fire; you’ll be living a more authentic experience. The fact is, our bodies are giving us lessons that we chose to work on before we even got here. Don’t blame your body for the lessons that you chose to come in and work on; it’s not your body’s fault that you are unwell. Your body made an agreement to work with you and you need it, so love it. Your body (like everything you experience) follows your thoughts, every time, without exception. The more compassion and love you can show your body, the faster you will expand, the quicker you will heal, the faster you will get your lessons done, and the richer your experiences will be.

So. Let’s make a vow to live on fire all of the time. Let’s make a decision today to let life pull through us and accept the permutations of experience that we draw to ourselves for the purpose of expanding. Let’s know, at our core, that what we feel is right, that we can act from feelings without consciousness or we can act from feelings with great precision and reflection. Both work, but one brings us greater gifts. We can decide to accept our feelings, accept the unseen help and support that is all around us, and accept that our bodies are a very vital part of this journey. And, finally, we can use the fire that we generate to eliminate what no longer serves mankind: self-recrimination, fear, hatred, judgement, lack of responsibility, and so on.

I don’t know about you, but I’m burning. My office is now filling up with the sweetest smoke. 🙂

Closer Than Skin

You know. You do. I know that you know. You’ve been there. Right there. You’ve been to “the” place, the land of exaltation. Your body knows how to tread that narrow, but well-worn path through those particular woods very well. You could get there blindfolded if you had to. Yes, you’ve been there and you’d like to stay. We all want to stay, so we devote poems and songs and great works of art to this magic realm.

heartsWhat is this place? Being in love. You know: when you think of someone you love, and your whole body floods with such emotion and adrenaline that you feel hot, dizzy, weak. Your heart pounds when you think of them. You feel eager, excited, and happy when they are around and achingly lonely when they are not. Like, it’s actually physically painful not to be in their presence. Your body sits up and takes notice when that person enters the room. You are pointedly aware of their every move, where their eyes alight, how they hold their hands, the shape and heft of their body. You want nothing more than to pull that person close to you, look into their eyes, feel their skin, kiss them, and stay in that warm bubble of connection, that syrupy happiness forever.

Yeah, that place. The place we all love to visit. The location of primal, glorious, and flushing feeling. I love that place. My body loves that place. But (and there’s always a butt–hahhaha), we all get there alone and we remain there alone. *Sigh* One of the things that my body and I have been pondering all of our lives, but in particular, very deeply over the past few months, is the concept that we are each alone. Truly, inexorably, completely alone here on planet earth. Despite our connections with others, our abundant senses, our experiences, our feelings for other people, our great and not-so-great “loves”, we are isolated. We experience the circumstances of our lives and live with the effects of our decisions, alone.

No one else can share in our reality. No one else shares one ounce of our perception or even our sight. No one shares our synapses, ruminations, or emotions. Oh, to be sure, we can look at an object and agree to what it is, a car, a book, a table, but you perceive these things wholly differently than I do. We are totally unique in our perceptions of objects and our experiences of things. And, I have to tell you that this causes me some distress. I kinda hate it. More on that in a minute.

atomWe create reality by way of our consciousness, our thinking, and our corresponding actions. Literally. So, each of us is completely separate from others. We are in a bubble of our own creation, a reality of our own design and maintenance. Yes, our bubbles get close to each other and there is energy exchange (which happens all of the time); yes, we commingle and interact, but in that process, what we perceive of as touch is actually an illusion; it’s the sensation of not touching that we actually perceive. It’s a dream of connection, but on a subatomic level, there is no such thing as touching.

The charged electrons in your hand actually repel the inversely charged electrons in my hand. What we feel as touch is nothing more than a tiny spark of repelling energies that shove each other away (quite violently, actually) when they get close together. There is no real connection at all, other than the resultant expansion in our consciousness from the energy that we perceive of as touch and well, our ideas about the person with whom we “connected”. But, no touch actually occurs. Sad, I know.

In my pondering of this sad fact of being human, I realized (yeah, like, just this week) that this is why I’m writing the book that we’ve explored together in other posts and on which I’ve been slaving away for pretty-much ten years. As you, dear readers and friends might recall, a compelling thing happens to me. I’ve only experienced it a couple of times in my life (with people) and find that it happens much easier and more frequently with nature and animals. My term for it is “merging” and my book is a futuristic/SciFi novel about a telepathic race of people who do this practice of merging in pair bonding.

Merging is literally the feeling of exchanging energies with another being. In my book, however, the characters go much deeper with it. They actually swap bodies and physically experience what the other person, place, or thing perceives. Well, I’m now pretty sure that I’m writing the book as a way to slay that dragon who goes by the name of “I-am-alone”. Ah, so there it is. All of my psychology, laid out on the open Internet for all to see. Well, then. I might as well tell you the rest.

It bugs the living crap out of me that we are ultimately alone, that we have to do all of this perceiving and living and learning alone, in our isolated little consciousness bubbles, and that one man’s reality in no way, shape, or form resembles my own. I mean, I get that we feel love and exchange energy with the world around us and I deeply believe in “guides” who nurture us and help us from the Other Side while we are here in earth school just slugging it out. I get that we have some help and that our bodies are a huge boon to us in what we explore here, but ultimately all of our perceptions are our own and we are responsible for grooming them and learning from them.

I suffer from a deep existential loneliness and this “aloneness” is the root cause of it. What I know, I cannot teach (though I keep trying and trying and trying by way of my words, my blogs, my poems, my art, etc.). The fact that what I experience, my merging with others, my depth of feeling is really, really rare. I suffer because when I talk with others, tell them about what I think, people often look at me like I have a horn coming out of my head. I feel really alone here. I think about and say sh*t that few people seem to ponder and then, I’m left wondering where the rest of my tribe is. I wonder where my people are. I wonder why I chose a life where I walk around feeling so terribly alone.

And, I suspect, given how hard I work and how little time I have left, that the book, if I ever finish it, will be my magnum opus. It’s my attempt to beat this loneliness down. It’s a chance to explore what it would be like if there were more people here like me. Yes, it’s narcissistic. Every bit of art is a practice in narcissism. But, I *hope* that it serves others and helps them. I hope it gives something back to humanity.

I want to be closer than skin. I want to merge energies with others. I want to be open and heightened and feeling. Other people’s emotions do not scare me. I want to know what they feel and think about and ponder and learn. I want to experience what others experience, because it causes expansion and growth, feeling and thinking. I just want to know that one other person on this planet gets it, gets me, and that I get them, really get them. But, that’s impossible, isn’t it, my little love-nuggets? Nonetheless, I’m gonna keep trying until I don’t any more.

P.S. In case it wasn’t abundantly obvious, this is me, a bit down-in-the-dumps. Just thought you’d like to know that I am not always “sunshine” and “delirious happiness”; all sides are represented. I don’t come to the shores of sadness often, but when I do, I lug my boat up onto the sand and I camp for a few days. ❤ Love you, my friends.

Becoming Empty

All of my life, I’ve been seeking something that has consistently and near-completely eluded me; it’s something that I have written about wanting, something that sent me to meditation, yoga, religion, and long bouts of solitude; it’s something that I’ve ardently chased, held in my mind as evidence of a life well-lived, and dearly craved, but it continues to elude me. As soon as I’ve gotten it in my sights, tip-toed toward it with an eager heart, and watched the light dancing off of its shiny hide, it has always bolted away with a puff of air and I’m left in a daze, wondering what the hell just happened.

What is this thing that I’ve wanted so desperately and which gets away from me every time?

PEACE.

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Compliments of http://unsplash.com/

Peace has eluded me. Or, I guess, in order to take full responsibility, I ought to say that I have not chosen peace. I have not chosen rest. I have not chosen serenity in this life, all things that I claim to want. Oh, I’ve certainly had moments of peace, but largely, my life has been a sh*t-storm of activity, drive, action, fire, feeling, and momentous energy.

For example, I’ve worked 80 to 90-hour weeks for the last 24 years. I’ve started three companies and run them, single-handed. I’ve written a book and been published lots of times in magazines, newspapers, and poetry periodicals. I’ve worked two and three jobs simultaneously. Hell, I survived a horrendous childhood, went through years of therapy, and have largely eclipsed the pain and horror in which I was immersed. I’ve worked and worked and worked and worked. I’ve had little peace.

In the midst of the firestorm that is my daily existence, I have deeply yearned, begged, and wished for peace. Just a little. Peace from my relentless thoughts, my fire-temper, my passions, my ego, my intellect, my libido, my exhaustive, constant, and voracious emotions. On and on and on. But, sweet peace flits away with its serene countenance, inscrutable expression, and captivating secrets.

OK. It’s time for a deep, restful breath, time to gently wipe away the angst, draw myself up, suck in some delicious oxygen, and become empty. My ego protests: “But, HOW? You’ve never been able to do this. You can’t do it. It’s futile!” To which I smile, pat my ego on the head, and say “Relax, dear. All we’re going to do is nothing for part of each day. We’re going to sit and do nothing.”waterlilly

Becoming empty has to be the way toward peace for me because it’s the last thing my ego wants me to do and maybe the only thing that I have not tried. Granted, I’m writing all of this on the brink of taking on even more projects so this is going to be a real challenge for me, but I have to try. I have to become empty. I have to let go. This means: Work less. Push less. Do less. Share less. Grasp less. Added to this: I have to sit still. Stay centered. Stay inward. Stay silent. Stay present. Breath more. Rest more.

Simple, right?

What can I learn from becoming empty? What can I hope to accomplish? What will it do for me? These questions are thrown out on their ears. It doesn’t matter. Guess what? All that matters is:

  • Sweet, suspended moments where I’m still, staying present in my body, feeling the contours of my chair or standing solidly in my legs.
  • Moments where I’m pulling in my core, not projecting myself outward to others, pulling in, pulling in, pulling in, holding, breathing, feeling the thoughts and emotions softly float through me and then not attaching to them, letting them go.
  • What matters is emptying my mind, emptying my body, draining my stress into the receiving earth, opening my rib cage, flushing energy up or down and then out.

Where will I land? Will I buy a house in Peaceville? I don’t know. But, at this moment in time. I want to want nothing. I want to want stillness. I want to want emptiness. I want peace and then, I want to stop wanting it. 🙂

Drinking from a Waterfall

Many, many people have accused me of being, well, intense. Ha! Ya think?! Yes, people. I’m intense. I’m big in body, mind, and soul. There is no missing me when I enter a room or open my mouth. No missing me. In my youth, I spent countless hours trying to be quiet, dainty, thoughtful, reserved, patient, demure, small, and feminine, but you know what? I’m really none of these things. Oh, like all people, I have these elements in my personality and at times, they can be seen, but at my core, I’m not tidy; I’m messy and energetic. I’m big, loud, funny, raucous, active, aggressive, and very yang. A part of me still wishes I was softer and quieter. I mean, I’m certainly soft in the right circumstances, in the right places (ha, ha!), and at at the right times, but I’m a nuclear power plant most of the time. I think I need to just own this sh*t.

waterfall

I once reviewed a book for a friend of mine who was into a really interesting spiritual practice of “no mind” or in laymen’s terms, just being in the present moment with no ego, no plans, less thinking and doing, and simply being. I read my friend’s book and wrote in my review of it that reading the book was like drinking from a waterfall because of the bigness of the book, the expansiveness of the writings and his practice. It is, frankly, the best review of a book I have ever given, because I nailed it. I totally dialed it in and “got” him and his work on a cellular level. It’s so fun when that happens.

This morning, it got me to thinking. Anything that we push into the world by way of expression (even if it’s about other people) is describing us, our psychology, our current self; it’s all about us, not the other person. It’s like when dream analyzers say that the dream is always about the dreamer no matter the subject matter of the dream. No element in the dream is actually about other people; it’s all about the person doing the dreaming. Yes.

So, I’ve decided to take my delicious metaphor back, because it also perfectly describes me and the energy, focus, and bigness of this life of mine. My new task? To go deeper in my psychology and eliminate the desire to be other than I am or to change myself because of other people’s behaviors. I will work harder to own my complete self, the self that is loud and sometimes quiet, messy and sometimes tidy, masculine and sometimes feminine. I will remind myself that who I am is ever-changing, ever-active, and never inert. I can be and am all of these things and if other people don’t get me, oh-freaking-well. I am enough. I will drink from the waterfall of the self over and over until satiated. Then, when I’m good and whole, I will offer the purest compassion, understanding, and acceptance to others. I will then be drinking from a sunbeam. 🙂

Heaping Praises on Yourself

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Do you have any idea how amazing you are? No, really! Don’t roll your eyes. You are amazing. Right there, sitting there in your body, reading this post, pulling these words through your mind. No matter what your circumstances or what you have done in your life, good or bad, at your core, you are love and you are amazing. How do I know this? We all are.

Hey, it’s hard to be human; it hurts to be here. We make a great sacrifice to leave our happy, soft nest of warmth on the Other Side and incarnate again. We seriously take one for the human team when we come back here and work out our dramas and karma with each other. Of course, coming back to earth over and over is how we advance as souls, so there are huge benefits to us, but we all know that being human is not for wussies. It’s a pain in the keister to be here. So, my official stance is that YOU ARE AMAZING. Just for being here. So am I. Can you feel it? I hope so. If not, I have an idea to help you address it. Read on.

After you digest this paragraph, stop, close your eyes say to yourself (for at least five minutes): “I am amazing. My body is a miracle. I am amazing. My body is a miracle. I am amazing. My body is a miracle.” Keep saying it. Repeat this to yourself so many times that the words lose their meaning. Then, open your eyes. Do you feel any different? Was this hard for you? Did you resist the exercise? Did your ego step in and tell you to stop being full of yourself? What came up for you?

At first, for me, I felt kind of silly doing this. My mind/ego immediately started poking holes in the practice and telling me that it was stupid, but I kept going. After a few minutes, my head started getting a little bit buzzy. It was so strange. I got kind of floaty and tingly. And, weirdly, it felt like it made me high. I’ll be honest with you, I liked it. I liked how I felt when I came out of the practice. I was actually calmer and more centered. I felt happier.

Heaping praises on yourself is a great daily practice that can totally alter your outlook, instantly elevate your mood, and improve your health. It’s true. People who praise themselves and others are happier and healthier. And, here’s the kicker: you don’t even have to completely believe the praises you heap on yourself at first. Obviously, it works better and faster if you find things that you really like about yourself and repeat those, but even if you do not yet believe your own words, your subconscious will and miraculous things will begin happening for you. It’s like you get a reset. Your energy  becomes softer, more pliable and others all around you register it. It’s seriously fascinating to watch this happen. Anyway, try to do this practice for at least five minutes every day (but, ideally 15) and see what happens. Go on. Heap some praises on yourself. Then, come back here and share your story with all of us.