Tag Archives: friendship

Death Really Messes Me Up

Today, I learned that a wonderful, sweet, funny, and amazing friend of mine, Matt, passed away several days ago. I found out by way of a Facebook post, which is super weird. Like, that’s how we all communicate now. That’s how you find out good and bad news. That’s how you learn of events in people’s lives. No one calls anyone any more. We post to Facebook.

When I saw the message, it was like something unseen came up and punched me right in the heart chakra. It literally took my breath away. I held my phone, staring at the screen, re-reading the words, with an open mouth, and then hot, huge tears blasted out of me. I’m in shock. My heart hurts so badly right now. My body is shaking. I’m anxious, cold to the bone, and so, so utterly sad. Matt is gone.

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Travis and Matt

I believe that Matt had a plan, that he followed the plan, and left when he was done with this incarnation. He was done. He left planet. Even though he and his partner Travis had just gotten married in Hawaii. Even though he regularly gifted the world with the biggest laugh, the biggest heart, and the deepest warmth that I have ever experienced from another human being. Even though he was divinely happy with his life, lived it to the hilt, traveled with his husband all over the world, drank fine wine, ate awesome food, and lived like none other. He left. YOUNG.

I believe that we choose our day and time of death. I believe that our souls are eternal. I believe that you never kill energy, and at the core of it, we are energy beings in bodies for but a short time. I believe in an afterlife. I believe that we live many, many times. I find no conflict inside of me for holding these beliefs and imbuing them with loads of thought and emotion despite not really knowing.

Yes, at bottom, I’m agnostic, but I love believing what I believe. I love imagining that there is a God/Goddess (or many of them) and that they care about humanity and our expansion. I love feeling how my beliefs feel inside of my mind and body. I love searching for answers to things that have no answers.

ocean_unsplashBut, no matter how much I read, study, delve into, and process my beliefs, no matter how comfy I get myself in any given moment with death, it truly makes no sense to me at all. I cannot fathom that a body lays down and is animated no more, the spirit leaves, the body decays. I cannot wrap my mind around it. I have meditated on death, read about it, felt it inside of me, held little birds in my hands that crashed into my windows, and watched them take their last breath despite the high frequency energy I was offering to them. I have devoted hours of satsang to death in order to fully arrive at the truth of it and accept it. But, I cannot. I cannot accept death. Death is unknowable, untraceable, and unacceptable. 

Well, I accept that it happens. But what effs with me is why now? Why do we leave when we leave? Why did Matt leave when everything was right and well and good in his life? Why now? Why didn’t I get to see him or hug him one last time? Why did he leave Travis like this? Why, why, why, why, why? Maybe it’s my ginormous ego that refuses to really look at death and open to it. Probably. I dunno.

Matt, if you’re reading this, feeling this, hearing my heart, know how much you added to my life just by being here, by being my friend, by living so fully and richly when you were here. mattKnow how much love and joy you radiated, how much like the sun you were in others’ lives. For, you, my dear friend, were so bright, so warm, and so healing to others. You touched many, many people in your line of work and travels, people who are now pouring their love out to you and Travis by way of their posts on Facebook, people who are thinking about you, crying over the loss of you, and remembering you. I want to believe that you know all of this and are taking in just how lovely you were in this life and reveling in the mark that you made on this world. Honey, there will never be another one like you. My heart is so full of love for the journey that you let all of us share in and experience with you. I love you, Matt. See you around, my friend. I hope.

And Then He Touched Me

…and it was all over. I was mush. I was a puddle on the floor. I was the ocean, the air, the sun, everything and nothing. I was he. He was me.

It never ceases to amaze me how “open” I am and how other people can simply floor me with the simplest of gestures. Sometimes, I’m waylaid by a soft look in one’s eyes, or I’m hypnotized by the barely perceptible smile at the edges of someone’s mouth, the curl of hair across a long neck; other times it’s a well-crafted sentence uttered softly in the room, the timbre in a voice that I love or the brush of one’s skin against my skin; all of these things (so easily and randomly) thrill me out of myself.

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Recently, a friend grabbed my hand and I practically fainted from his touch. It was so amazing. I spent the next several minutes catching my breath and trying really hard to pay attention to what was being said. I know there was talking, but I have no idea what was said. I was GONE!

With that one simple touch, a touch that most would think nothing of, the rock of my heart was blasted open and the shock of sudden, penetrating sunlight illuminated every square inch of me. I was breathless, spinning. That touch radiated through the palm of my hand, a silky electricity, raced up my arm, sped through my chest and gently snapped my heart chakra wide open, where that silk-strand then softly landed and fluttered there, heaving against me with the sweetest, most mesmerizing pulse.

Here’s the crazy thing. I can still feel that energy from him. I can conjure up that moment over and over and still feel it radiating through my body like it just happened. But, it’s deeper than this. It’s both of us together that makes it so intense. It’s the coalescing of energies that builds the monument to the moment. It’s the exchange that I’m after, the heart below the heart, the words below the words, the subatomic particles below the atoms.

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And, I’m so deeply appreciative, so adoring of this open channel, so in awe of him, his energy, his heart, and this connection between us. Because, even if he would not characterize the exchange in quite the same way as me, it did happen; I know that he feels it. I know that it’s happening all of the time. It’s happening to all of us on earth. And, it means something. Something big.

Namaste, my friends. Feel this with your lovely body, with your soul, pull these words into you and hold them against you. Take this in and go forth looking for opportunities to open your channel. There is nothing to fear here, my darlings. There is only love. Use it.

Love Note

You are beautiful. I’ll say it again. You. Are. So. Beautiful. I’ll tell you this every day, as many times as possible, as many times as it takes until you believe me. When I look at you, I swoon. I fall into your eyes; I swim in the center of your being. I invite you into my being. When I think of you and see your face in my mind’s eye, remember the things you have said to me, the times we have laughed together, my heart  blossoms and turns toward you, wherever you are, and sighs with a smile of satisfaction. Everything is new, fresh, and astonishing. Everything is opening, layering, and building. Can you feel it? It’s there.

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In my mind, I hold the precision of your words, their heady, intoxicating rhythm, their melody. I see you. I see the real you. The soul who came here full of hope and knowledge of its divine connection, its purpose. I see the soul in you who understands its important contribution to other people and this earth plane. You are perfect. Right now. Sitting there. Reading this. Sensing the connection. Returning to yourself, your true self. You are complete. Total. Whole. I can see your soul shimmering with love and I can see your body following suit. Your body houses an immense light, a truly massive energy, and it does such a good job. Can you feel this? It’s real.

I want you to know that I’ll always revel in the glory of you, your brilliant mind, staggering intelligence, your kind heart. I’ll tell you often about the beauty in you and your life, the deliciousness of your body, the depth of your being, which is like the vastness of space and holds all answers. I’ll remind you of your wonderful presence, your soul’s steadfast reluctance to be anything other than love, perfect love. I will never waiver in this. I will show you what you mean to me every day, dear, beautiful human and friend. And, I will always be here for you, sweetly reminding you of your birthright, your grandeur, your importance. I will stay, hold the line, hold the truth, give it to you whenever you need it. Come to me. I am yours.