Tag Archives: Family

Oh, Christmas BALLS!

Made you look! Hahahaha! Okay, I hate to disappoint, but this post is not going to be about, well, male genitalia. You know, the pleasing little squishy pouches that look like misshapen figs hanging below… NEVERMIND!! You get the drift.

x-mas_ornaments

No, this post is slightly off topic in that it’s not about the body as much as it’s a quick exploration of how I began to love Christmas. When I was younger, I pretty-much despised Christmas. Don’t get me wrong, I loved aspects of Christmas, you know, the gift-giving and getting, the savory foods, and my favorite- the piles of SUGARY bliss in its various manifestations! But, in my family, there was just a ton of dysfunction, tension, abuse, and, well, lots of divorces.

Between both parents, with whom I lived in alternating turns, I went through six divorces and numerous other “dissolutions of unions”. Ya, along with all of that, there was rage, sorrow, mistrust, abuse, histrionics, deceit, etc. So, we were all at each other like wolves. All of the time. And, we were supposedly Christian. You can well imagine how much of a mess it was and how confusing it was.

Being such a highly sensitive person, my childhood was, basically, pure torture. I simply couldn’t handle the dysfunction around me, nor could I take what I concluded (at around age 10) was the utter “two-faced-ness” of the season. For example, on December 24th, like every other day of the year, my older brothers would be smacking me around and basically acting like idiots, and then magically, on December 25th, they would be all-smiles and handing me gifts. Wha??! The same went for my various parents. One day, they would be fighting and screaming like banshees and then POOF! Christmas Day would roll around and everyone suddenly straightened up.

I honestly grew to despise the season and so, when I left home at 16 1/2 years of age, I was incredibly relieved to put family and Christmas behind me, forever. I went to live with a friend’s parents for a while and while they celebrated Christmas, they respected my disdain of it and didn’t shove their holiday down anyone’s throat. They left me alone to glower and grit my teeth for the month of December.

Back then, I was the Christmas Curmudgeon. I was the know-it-all philosopher who could quote large passages from Friedrich Nietzsche‘s atheistic works and took every opportunity to laud it over any Christmas revelers with whom I interacted. I was just angry, and well, bigger and smarter than any person in the room, so who was going to argue with me? I seethed. I raged. I hated. In my mind, the season of Christmas was nothing more than a commercialized, deceitful, ridiculous holiday of pure hypocrisy and rubbish. But, then, I decided to change.

When I began working on myself emotionally (with the aid of lots of therapy plus near-constant, feverish writing in my journals), and when I began dealing with my unhappiness instead of blaming others for the quality of my life, I realized something: my perceptions and feelings, while certainly understandable, were only harming me. At Christmastime, I always felt like cold crap on a sidewalk, and it was a CHOICE. I didn’t have to despise Christmas and I didn’t have to let my family’s hypocrisy and sickness envelope me or pour out of me. I didn’t have to infect my relationships with misplaced emotions. I could choose otherwise.

As I worked to heal much of the emotional damage from my early years, I began to feel better about almost everything. My life and circumstances slowly improved and I started enjoying the lights, the trees, the cold weather, and the Christmas CDs (that I had secretly been collecting) and about which I used to grouse and complain. Then, after meeting my husband, who adored Christmas and creating new memories with him, I began to love the season.

x-mas_house

So, yes, I love Christmas. I do. All of it. The songs, the spirit, the food, the energy, and heck, even the materialism. It’s all part of the gig and it’s all good. I’m proud of myself for taking ownership of my emotions, pushing past my discomfort to seek healing, and choosing to appreciate instead of holding fast to how I was damaged. I’m proud that I didn’t continue allowing my dysfunctional, painful childhood to keep me from enjoying the magic and majesty of Christmas.

May this season, regardless of your beliefs, bring you deeper peace, love, and joy, my friends. I celebrate with each of you. And, know that in the new year, we’ll grow to love our bodies even more and that we’ll do it together. Big, warm hugs to you, my friends! And, Merry Christmas!

Moving House is Sadomasochistic

All I can say is WOW. Hubby and I just moved house over the weekend. My muscles are screaming at me in 17 languages. Still.

Do you remember being young? Do you remember being able to move house on a Friday and Saturday, unpack everything on Sunday, and then still have the energy and fitness to go out dancing on that Sunday evening? I used to be able to do this. I also remember my dad telling me that one day it would all change. I would find myself feeling 25 years old but being, well, far older than that and less capable. I laughed at him. I scoffed. Me? Less capable of lifting 45 boxes of books and four rooms full of furniture? HA! “Okay, dad. Whatever you say,” I used to utter to him with a smile.

Well, my dad is vindicated. The day has come. I can no longer: (A.) Fit almost everything I own into the back of a 1978 Honda Accord. (B.) Move all my crap in two days. (C.) Live to tell about it. I am now dead. Dead, I say! My fingers refuse to type the correct letters. My arms are so sore I can barely lift them, not to mention my once sturdy German thighs that used to love me are now flipping me the bird, figuratively-speaking.

My hubby and I joke about being rich enough to “pay people to move us”, but we know that we are waaaay too control-freaky to ever do this (even if we had the money to do it) and we move way too often. We would go broke. We have moved five times in five years. Seriously! We are not running from the law or our creditors. We’ve had to follow various technical writing contracts to keep the funds coming in during these horrendous economic times. We’ve done what others are often unwilling to do in order to keep working, keep the money coming in, and keep paying “The Man”. And, we have, largely, kept working through it all, but it’s been so, so painful on so many levels.

This time, we moved to a house that we scooped up for a deal and rehabbed over the last two months. We can save some bucks on the ol’ monthly payments by living over here and renting out the house that we were in for the last two years. Moving is sadomasochistic. Plain and simple. It’s akin to cramming seven days of working out into two. I’m so glad it’s over. Now, all we have to do is dig out from the mounds of boxes all over the place, but frankly, if that takes the next year, I’m fine with it. Seriously. Let it sit there. I don’t care if I look like a hoarder. It stays where I dumped it. LOL!