…If you let it be….
I work with a total jerk. I mean, he is a capital a**hole. He’s an engineer. He’s smug. He’s arrogant. Yes, he’s brilliantly intelligent, but staggeringly egotistical and totally condescending and crappy to the entire team. In short, he is a d*ck. Today, he spewed his Napoleonic crap onto me and told me not to edit his content ever. The nerve of him! I wanted to say: “If you could write, I wouldn’t have a problem with that, but you write crap.”
Despite not saying what I really wanted to say (because I’ve learned that that never works), I came out swinging and stood up for myself, but it didn’t end there. I have been holding this negative energy for hours. I have been chewing it and mulling it, and cursing his very life. As many of you know, I don’t take kindly to creeps. I’m genetically incapable of taking poo from ANYONE. I don’t care if it’s the Pope. If he’s acting like a gaping a**, I’m going to stand up and I’m going to say something and it’s often going to be really blunt. See? I’m not all peaches and cream like many people think. Mama’s got edges. If you are cool with me, I’m the loveliest person in the world, but screw with me, a loved one, a friend, an animal, or the undeserving and, well, I will hand you your junk on a plate. Every time.
Except this time, I lost. I’m right, but I still lost. Grrr….
So, I’ve spent half of the day steeping in anger and the other half trying to talk myself down from the ego ledge upon which I have plunked myself. Needless to say, I am exhausted from the battle and looking for the lesson(s) in this.
I have so, so, sooooooo been working on my reaction, my emotions, and my programming for the last five hours, but despite trying to get myself “right”, my head hurts. I feel shaky and now I just feel like sobbing. My poor, poor body! I wish I could let stuff go faster. I wish I was healthy enough not to care what other people think. I wish I could just process it, like a machine, and be done in 15 minutes, but no, that is not me. I hold stuff. For a very LONG time. But, this is what I’ve concluded so far:
He is a mirror for me. I, too have a big ego and am proud of my accomplishments. I like being right. I like being competent and intelligent. So, I really do understand him or that part of him. However, his behavior is not worth my emotion. He is not worth the damage to my body. He has different values than me. For example, he wants to win regardless of who he hurts. He has to be on top. He is alpha-dog in any pack. He is clearly compensating for something. He is damaged (like me). He is also a child of God (like me).
But, man, my ego does not want to let this go. I vacillate between understanding and acceptance to wanting to go all “Viking” on his ass and lob off his head. I want to fight. I want to break his tiny body into three fairly even pieces. I don’t like people telling me to cut corners and do less than a perfect job. I don’t like a**holes. I don’t like people who treat me (and others) poorly and I really, really, really dislike injustice. It’s the injustice of the situation that’s driving my ego batty. To me, life is too dang short to walk around being a jerk to others, but you know what? That’s my value, not his. He sees nothing wrong with his behavior. He lives like this. I do not.
So what? The world is full of a-holes and idiots. Big woop. I am not going to change him. I will not enlighten him. I’ll bet you dollars to donuts, this little Napoleon let go of the battle fewer than 10 minutes after getting his way and also that he could give two you-know-whats about me. ARG!!! Oh. My. GODDAH!
So, here I am. Shaking with righteous anger, damaging my poor body with my thoughts and rampant emotions, pleading with my ego and telling her to let go of it, telling myself to choose health and peace and love and understanding. I keep admonishing myself that this is the work that I invited by way of this little prick (just couldn’t resist the jab) and that I am NOT A VICTIM! I get to look at a piece of my psyche with this exchange. I get another layer of healing. I get to practice removing the expectation that other people will be decent and kind and loving. They won’t. And, it doesn’t matter.
People are not here to please me. They are not here to behave in a way that makes me feel better. It’s MY JOB to do this. I HAVE TO FIGURE THIS OUT. I get to drag myself kicking and screaming into feeling better (despite other people’s behaviors). I invited this exchange on an energy level and now I need to look at it. I need to step out of blame and take responsibility for this situation. What am I wanting here? What is he showing me of myself? So, so much work left to do on myself. : (
“But, can’t I kill him just a little?”, my ego pleads? No, ego. Put down the battleaxe. We are not doing that in this lifetime. We are learning in this lifetime. We can’t answer this kind of energy with fists or fights or furies. We need to understand what this is and transform it into something positive and useful. So, dear ego, sit down and be quiet. I promise you. This will all make sense soon. I’ve almost got it figured out. Almost.