Sensitivity on Steroids, Part One

Oh, my lovelies. This is an uncomfortable post. A post that I both want and don’t want to write because…well…because…(I’m trailing off here in case it’s not obvious). How do I put this? “Just put it,” says a small voice in my head. “Trust that people will get it–the right people will get it.”

Then, cut back to an image of me absolutely squirming in my seat. Jumping out of my skin. Whirring away into the air like a puff of smoke. Gah!

I don’t want to publish this post because it will expose things, reveal even more of my tender underbelly, the part that I protect savagely, the part of me, ironically, that I can no longer protect by keeping hidden. The part that, due to recent circumstances, now needs to be opened up to the light, exposed…exposed…exposed…not closed off and shoved to the periphery. I have to start talking about this. And, by doing so, I *hope*, the need I have for such fierce protection, such armament, such a strong “Viking” mode that I have chosen to use and express from much of my life (and likely before this life) will soften. I *hope*.

This urge to un-mask and admit what I’m about to let loose into the world makes me nervous. Or, more accurately, it makes my ego extremely nervous. My ego doesn’t want anyone forming an impression of me as one of “those people”. It’s quaking at the thought that people will be afraid of me after reading this or nervous or stymied around me in some way. My ego is afraid that others will think I’m one of those “Sedona freaks” who believes in crystals, Tarot, meditation, and psychic ability. But, the truth is: I am. I am one of those people. I do believe in all of that stuff. I use those tools. I’m learning more everyday about so much of that stuff. I can’t control what others think of me. I need to own this part of who I am. So, I have to fess up. Tell the truth.

<Cut to a soundtrack of my ego screaming.>

Photo compliments of Robert Lukeman and https://unsplash.com/

Photo compliments of Robert Lukeman and
https://unsplash.com/

For the record: I have an almost debilitating social anxiety. I’m an exposed nerve ending. I’m acutely uncomfortable around other people. Always. I’m on edge almost all of the time. I’m exhausted by my interactions with others, not nourished or encouraged or built up. One or two people around me is fine, but anything more than , say, five people and I’m a mess. Inwardly. Outwardly, you’d never know that I was so uncomfortable, so on edge, because I’ve learned how to activate the “auto-pilot” and largely disassociate my way through interactions, parties, crowded sporting events, malls, public-speaking events, conferences, on-site work, airports, yoga classes, and so on. I’ve learned how to fake my way through situations that most others simply take for granted and never sweat. Speaking of sweat, I do it alot when I’m around other people. That’s how you can tell. If I’m sweating profusely, I’m anxious. It’s how I was wired from the get-go. I cannot change it.

A girlfriend of mine (really, more of a loving sister to me. I love you, LaVerne), and I were talking about life one day. We had taken a long motorcycle ride together and stopped in a small Route 66 town for some lunch. We sat waiting for our meals when the topic ventured into the realm of the psychic, which it unnervingly does with me often and is happening with more frequency as the years go on. In the course of this conversation, it occurred to me that my “anxiety” is probably something else. It’s not just “GAD” (general anxiety disorder). It’s deeper.

Que the dramatic music: Duhn, dunh, duhn.

The tiny tendril of a thought began blossoming inside of me and before I could stop it or edit it away, it hit me: my anxiety is probably tied to my heavily (and I mean HEAVILY) suppressed psychic ability. AGH!

There, I said it. In public. I can never take it back. I’ve published this post. It’s in the world. Hoh-shite! RUN! Move away. Disappear. Go live on a deserted island with no Internet. Never be seen or heard from again.

:::Deep breath:::

Truth is: I’m psychic. (Hey, we all are. Yes, even you, the one rolling your eyes). But, apparently, I’m really, really psychic. Or, so I’m told. The problem is: I’m deeply reluctant to be this way. I’ve run from this “sensitivity” for a very long time. I want to say that I’ve run from it all of my life, but I didn’t consciously know that I was like this until relatively recently. I had no solid clue until approximately ten years ago. And, to be honest, I still kind of doubt it. I don’t *quite* believe that I am. Why? because I push it away. I don’t work with it consciously. I don’t do readings on people. I don’t use it. I don’t like it. I run. I’m talking “on-fire-running-away-from-it-as-fast-as-I-can” running. So, I often can’t tell the difference between information that I’m “receiving” and information that originates within my own thought stream and psyche. I cannot differentiate between my stuff and other people’s stuff. It all feels like my stuff.

At any rate, it’s obvious to me now that my deep sensitivity is tied to this, whatever you want to call it: “ability”, “curse”, “gift”. I’m not comfortable with any of it. And, this post is freaking me out. But, it’s too late now.

Most of you know that my sensitivity is OFF THE CHARTS. I am incredibly sensitive. Not in a simpering, weak-willed, collapse-in-on-myself, wallflower way. No. I’m incredibly strong-willed, bold, fierce (when required), and tough. When I say that I’m sensitive, I mean that I feel EVERYFUCKINGTHING around me 24/7. I feel things from the world (planet, universe, cosmos, deep space) on a daily basis that would send most people to the loony-bin in less than two weeks. I feel EVERYTHING. My running joke is that if a moth dies in the Amazon, I feel it. It registers, it washes through me, and it has an effect on me. And, it produces feelings inside of me.

I’ll give you an example: I’m so sensitive that I cannot drive past a livestock truck without full-on tearing up. Yes, actually crying. I mean it. It happens to me nearly every time I see one of those trucks. Why? Because I absolutely feel all of the consternation, terror, sadness, and uncertainty of the animals being transported in the truck. I can even feel the emotions of the animals that were carried in the truck prior to the ones that I’m driving past. I can LITERALLY FEEL THEIR EMOTIONS, their full-on awareness of what is happening, how they know where they are going, and the fact that they are going to die. They KNOW IT. I can feel their deep grief, their worry, their physical pain, their sickness in some cases, and their sense of loss at being away from others with whom they grew close. I feel it all.

This is not me being crazy. It’s not me making it up. It’s not me trying to get attention. It’s not the writer in me writing fiction. No, no, no. IT’S REAL. I know it because it is AWFUL. And, it’s OVERWHELMING for them and for me. So, I cry. Oh, and let me tell you: God forbid I see a tail or an ear poking out of one of the little slats in the truck. That’s enough to make me pull over and outright sob. Not kidding. My level of sensitivity is epic. It scares the shit out of other people and it scares the shit out of me. But, it finally occurred to me that this sensitivity is evidence of my psychic ability. I just never connected the dots until recently.

To Be Continued….

In the interim, are you aware of your psychic abilities (whether latent or in the foreground)? Share your story here. I want to know how you cope with it or if you’ve embraced it and actually use your abilities. I’m eager to hear your journey, friends.

 

Advertisements

17 thoughts on “Sensitivity on Steroids, Part One

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Ah, sweet JackieP, I suspect that many of us writers and artists have this affliction. Hahahahah! I love you, sis. Thanks for stopping by. XOXO

      Reply
  1. wendy tollefsen

    I knew you before we met, I understood you the moment we spoke, and I love your words. Hugs to my spirit sister, wind sister and angel sister 🙂

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Dearest Wendy-bomb-Diggity-LOVE!! Awwww….aren’t you the sweetest sister ever! I loved both of your comments so much that I approved them both and will respond to them both. Ha! You.Feed.My.Soul like no other, girl. Smooches!

      Reply
  2. Wendy T & G

    I knew you before we met, I understood you the moment we spoke, and I connect with your words. I love my wind sister, angel sister, and sister of the soul. Big Body Hugs! 🙂

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Awwww…Wendy! I’m so receiving these big hugs from you, sis. Love this so much. I’m smiling huge right now and just sending back the gobs of yummy soul-energy you just sent me. Thank you so much for understanding this, me, my heart, my journey. I was really afraid to publish this post. Is it less of a newsflash than I think? Did people already sense this about me and I’m only now getting the memo? Hahahahah! Makes me laugh so much to think about how much I made of this…:D I love you, sister.

      Reply
  3. MELewis

    I would not call what I feel ‘psychic’. And yet I empathize so much with your feelings. What fascinates me is how very different we are – I would never ride a motorcycle, am not socially phobic, yet how deeply I feel your anxiety. I share your empathy for the poor beasts in the truck. I feel things like you, yet differently.We are both introverts. I value my alone time above all. Socializing energizes me somewhat (selectively) yet it pumps my energy and I am left pining for solitude after short, intense bursts of being with people I love. I feel this thin-skinned pain with you, Liz. At the same time, while not certain I ‘believe’ in the gifts you shy from, I know I have been gifted on a few occasions by those who have shared their insights and saved my poor soul. So, yeah, I get it. Even if I, like you, am in denial about a lot of it most of the time.

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      My sweet Mel,

      Oooohhhh…your words just bounce along my spinal column so nicely, love. I completely, completely feel you and I know that you feel me and many others as deeply. I love how you say this: —“Socializing energizes me somewhat (selectively) yet it pumps my energy and I am left pining for solitude after short, intense bursts of being with people I love. I feel this thin-skinned pain with you, Liz.”— Oh.My.Goodness, yes. That’s it exactly, Mel! You totally get it.

      I do think that what you described to me here, as in, what you also experience is psychic. But, that word and concept troubles so many people. It’s a trigger for so many negative connotations and misunderstood ideas. But, what you are describing here is an energy exchange and at its core, that IS what clairvoyance/audience/sentience, etc. is. We aren’t taught to isolate it and honor it in our modern world, though. We aren’t taught to use it or even believe in it. Our religions, families, and intellectuals actively shunt it inside of themselves and try to squelch it inside of other people and it’s due to massive ignorance and misunderstanding.

      I believe that if you are alive on the planet, whether human or otherwise, you are “gifted” with this ability. We could not survive the rigors of this world without a sixth sense, without a deeper discernment of other people’s motives and processes and relationship to us and our expression. I truly believe that some people come into an incarnation with more of a particular trait turned up or “activated” and have chosen to work on aspects of life that are either hampered by or helped by the trait. That’s it. Some people are closer to the membrane between this world and the unseen one. That’s it. But, we ALL have this gift. We all have this ability. A mother could not sense the deep despair of a child some thousand miles away without clairvoyance. We see evidence all around us all of the time. This is what it is. The fact is, I am not alone in my fear of it.

      It’s funny that I’m now advocating for it despite my discomfort with it. Perhaps, this post really has gotten me closer to accepting it and asking for understanding of it. I’m so pleased that I could get here with you beside me, my friend. Thank you from the depths of my soul for your part in my awakening. I owe you, big-time.

      When we get to the Other Side, we will party-down, sister and we’ll laugh about all of this. Bises!

      Reply
  4. mariner2mother

    Where’s the freaking LOVE button??? OMG Lizzy! I am crying and laughing and so damned excited for you!! My son is much the same, as is my bestest girly friend. Your empathic, psychic ability is crazy off the charts. I’ve seen through some of the hypnosis sessions I’ve done that I was born that way, and shut it down hard as a toddler. I’m slowly opening it back up, and just the other day connected with Prince as I was writing something that happened to be some of the lyrics to one of his songs. I immediately played the song, listened to more of the lyrics and saw him smiling and laughing, telling me that life’s a party. But I digress. I’m going to write more later because I just realized if I don’t get my butt out the door, I’m going to be late for an appt. Later!!!

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Dearest Susan,

      HA! You of all people knew this post was coming, eventually. I can feel the joy radiating inside of you as you read this. I can *see* the smile you exuded and feel you clapping. I KNOW you have waited for me to get here for a couple of years now and I absolutely CANNOT thank you enough for the books you gently placed in my path, the web sites you shared, the email discussions we had, and your sharing the sessions of hypnosis that you underwent. I am so indebted to you, dear soul. You have been my champion from afar, but right NEXT TO ME the entire time. In fact, you’ve been here since the beginning. I KNOW we are from the same soul group, sister. I know it. I knew it for certain when you channeled my Matty-Matt-Matt after he passed last year. I’m so appreciative. 😀

      As for connecting with Prince, how COOL is that?! I marvel that you can do this so easily, that it just comes to you, that you have no hang-ups with it. I’m beyond delighted for you, honey. I’m astonished. AGAIN. I also just LOVE knowing that this is the kind of stuff waiting for me when I strengthen my trust and learn to work with these abilities. I’m so excited. You are a perfectly safe and wonderful model for me and many others in this effort. You help this earth plane so much.

      I’ve been diligently practicing my grounding and cosmic energy exercises and using my third eye to “visualize”. It’s slow-going and many days I am too afraid to do it, but I remain gentle with my poor ego and I keep going. Whooo hooo!

      I love you, my soul-sister. GOBS AND GOBS!

      Reply
      1. mariner2mother

        Right back at cha!!! Can’t wait for the second installment. You know I’m with you – that’s the cool thing. Sisters helping sisters (and brothers). And we’re waking up and helping each other. Just discovered another one not even 2 weeks ago. So exciting!

      2. mariner2mother

        I wanted to add that so much of my sixth sensing is incredibly subtle, that it’s taken me a while of having experiences, and having someone point out to me this and that, for me to understand and recognize and be able to sort it all out. For instance, one time during a guided meditation, I heard outside of my head, in his own voice, my dead uncle. I’ve never connected to spirit just like that, since. I tap into what they feel, and get knowings dumped into me, including short phrases. It’s very subtle! I have learned to trust what I get over time. You are well on your way!

  5. Barbara

    Liz, I am humbled and honored to be one of those, out here in the big wide world, with whom you have shared this most deep, intimate, frightening and amazing revelation of yourself. It’s not weird, or “Sedona freaky” or any derogatory term some others my throw out there. Yes, you are “one of them,” the ones who for some reason have a finer tune to the essences in the world around us. I have, through the medium of this invisible thread we call the internet, felt your “difference”, your striving energies of self-discovery and understanding. Your energies touched me and the thousands of kilometers were of no consequence.
    Owning your sensitivities and abilities, undeveloped and in the rawest of states, is magnificent, frustrating, enlarging, and frightening all at the same time, but is the first step in claiming your authentic place in the world, your world! I encourage you, dear spirit sister, to embrace and learn how these energies within you can enable you to make contribution and changes in the world of your experience, serve others and live the most authentic you you can be!

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Oh, dear, sweet, loving, Barbara,

      Aren’t you just the sweetest soul EVER?! Yes, you are! These words are so lovely, so nuanced, so precious to me, honey. I can feel all of the wonderment behind them and your shiny, gorgeous soul just beaming out at me and really, through me. It’s quite a lovely image and such a heady, pleasing experience. Thank you so much for sharing with me.

      You touch my heart and soul here, love. I am swooning at this: —“Owning your sensitivities and abilities, undeveloped and in the rawest of states, is magnificent, frustrating, enlarging, and frightening all at the same time, but is the first step in claiming your authentic place in the world, your world!”— Holy cow. This is so delicious! THAT’S IT, EXACTLY! You are so right. IT IS ABOUT THIS. It is about claiming one’s authenticity and operating from that space of clarity and light so that others and the earth plane can benefit. I do have a responsibility to do this. Further, I really want to.

      I know for a fact that this is one of the “big” lessons that I chose for myself this time around. I came here to explore my abilities, to heal the past-life trauma that made me reject my abilities in the first place, get comfortable with this aspect of my journey, and use it. I’m still scared, but I am not going to let the fear stop me from being my authentic self. It serves the world in no way to be less than any of us came here to be.

      I LOVE you for stopping by and sharing your perfectly-timed, heartfelt words. This just proves that you and I are connected beyond the physical, honey. I can feel it. It is REAL. You honor me more than I can even articulate and I know we’ll meet in this life or again in the beyond, sister. I LOVE YOU!

      Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Totally agree, babe. That’s the same conclusion I had to reach and in fact, did. It’s about staying one’s course and tuning oneself toward greater healing and expansion as a soul. The darkness has no toe-hold with you or I, does it? Thanks for stopping by, friend. 🙂

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s