Loving What Doesn’t Love Back

Hello, BigBodyBeautiful friends. It’s been a long time since we’ve connected by way of this bloggy, hasn’t it? I’ve missed you all so much. I’ve been working hard on my novel, which is coming along. But, I thought I’d give voice to some things that I’ve felt and processed in various relationships (and a post or two) from the past. I’ve been doing some “house cleaning” so to speak in therapy and it’s led me to a few little-opened rooms where some of my psychology hides away and gathers dust. This post deals with unrequited love (loving an addict, the unavailable). So many of us have experienced this with other people and ourselves. And, today, this asked to come out. I’m giving these feelings some space in the hopes that I can finally let it all leave my lovely body and breathe some fresh air into the rooms inside of me. I welcome your thoughts and reactions, as always, my friends.

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It’s clear. I need to let you go. You’re not healthy for me. I don’t think you are ready to show up for yourself, let alone, anyone else. It’s clear that you need to do this, take your ravaging journey through a dark and precarious land. A land of pleasure-seeking, distraction, and drink. A land that has no signposts or clear trails out. A land that very well might swallow you whole. Maybe, it already has (and I just haven’t been able to see it).

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Photo, compliments of E. Lies at Unsplash.com

At any rate, I can’t follow you, love. I’ve already been to that land (in other lives); it has nothing to offer me. It calls to me not one bit. I do not feel a pull toward the false baubles it holds in its skeletal hands, its lipstick stained, garish mouth, its heavily boozied breath, sodden, unwashed hair, and unkempt countenance. I refuse to follow you into the inky darkness. I can’t breathe there, babe. I will not follow, so I have to let you go forward into what you need to experience. I know. I do. And, I hate it.

I feel like I can’t quit you. I can’t turn my back on you, walk away, seek to protect only myself. I can’t be yet another person who turns away from your pain, doesn’t accept you, doesn’t come forward. I need to help you. You need me to help you. Somehow. But, babe. I’m not enough for both of us. You don’t give to me. And, then I realize (have I always known?), you do not really want me. You want what you’re doing now, which is what you’re doing. Now. You do not want to be with me. Because, you’re not. If you did, you’d be here. But, you’re not. And, you don’t.

I’m pretty sure that you don’t want the exposure of my light, the unwavering gaze of my soul that looks into you so clearly, pointedly, and consciously (but also softly and understandingly). You do not want deepest emotion, thought, truth, and exploration of the wounds in the psyche. It’s just too much. I’m just too much. And, you have other engagements, which are bigger than this thing that we’ve briefly co-created (together but apart). So, I have to let you go. To find your way. Or not. Either one is your choice. And, I have no choice but to honor it, whatever it is, however that looks or moves or slinks from sight. I have to hold myself up and move on.

I wish you wanted to take some time, any time, to get to know me. To go deeper with me. Maybe that would gently ease you from your painful path, your attraction for the darkness (that parades itself as neon-lit happiness). Maybe knowing how good it can be to awaken will bolster you, give you enough of yourself to see what I see (when I look at you), and maybe it would show you that you truly are worthy of the light. Maybe. But, then again. Maybe not.

You’ve never come forward with me. You’ve never let me behind your solid-rock walls. I’ve tapped at them again and again; I’ve bloodied my fingers on the door, but you have rained your molten Quasimodo silence over the edge at me. My skin burns over and over from lack. My heart scarring over and over by your reticence, your avid, unavoidable, suffocating silence.

Actually, worse is when you are nice to me and pretend to have feelings (like I do). That is way worse. Because, I let it fool me so often. I keep coming back for one more silver of happiness. Then, find myself standing in a dark room and wondering where the light switch is. Anyway. I have to own my part in it. I will and I do. I’m working on it. But, my heart hurts so much.

I.just.wish.you.could.come.over.here.with.me.just.once. Take the chance. Lift the lid on this thing and peer inside. If only you felt more for me than you do for the other things that turn your head, the other things that possess you. How different it might be with you stepping into the light. Me by your side. But, then again, maybe not. I have no way of knowing for sure. You might blossom or shrivel for all I know. You don’t try and I give too much.

When will I leave? I want to say never. I want to feel, never. But, that’s not realistic, is it? I’m running out of juice. I came in with alot, but everything has a life span, doesn’t it? Everything lives as long as it’s supposed to. I’m running out of glitter, babe. I’m low on stardust and paint. I’m dragging my halo around now and it’s scratched and tarnished. I’m thrust out of the pearly, shiny gate. I’m holding on, but eating just the air is getting pretty old. I need some sustenance. Some meat. I need to know that you know what I’m talking about. But, again, the silence seeps. It comes up around me. All I can hear is the slow katoosh of my very broken heart, my uneven breath, a honking car off in the distance.

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8 thoughts on “Loving What Doesn’t Love Back

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Sweetest, Susan-Love! Thank you so much for your kind words and heart that I can feel so deeply inside of my body and soul. Thank you, love. You deserve the same and even more. I can’t wait to get my keister over there to meet you. I saw your most recent emails. Thank you for reaching out. No problem on not traveling here. I would do the exact same thing, love. Take care of yourself. I fully, utterly honor that decision. And, I love you, sis!

      Reply
  1. Joanna

    Lizzy, dahling…. This breaks my heart. It literally hurts for you. Sometimes we just have to realize that our lights shine too bright for some… But even so, we are not enough to change someone who does not want to change.

    I sooooo feel you right now. I have struggled for years trying to change myself for others or make them change to be what I need. I’ve come to the realization that we are who we are. If those around us love us, they will either accept up as is and vica versa or find a way to move on. We cannot ask someone to be something they are not… And we should not have to change for someone else.

    It can be heartbreaking, I know. But that is what unconditional love is… It doesn’t always mean we get what we want, not do they… And sometimes it can feel like your soul is being torn to pieces, but no one ever said loving people was easy.

    You are an amazing woman, who deserves happiness. Keep seeking it and you will find it, love! Now, I need to take my own advice… Which is always the hardest part.

    Much love, hugs and prayers! xo

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Oh, sweetest, Joanna. I’m so holding your words. I’m holding the sweet compassion that you beam out to me (and all of the world, really). I’m opening my rib cage, babe and letting it all in. Now. Letting it in. Love…love…love. I so love you.

      Thank you for coming over, reading, taking this work in, and letting the words resonate inside of you. It’s not easy to hold the pain, honey. I know. I honor that you do this. You are amazing. You are. The fact that you feel so deeply and express it so wonderfully and share it so readily, takes my breath away. The fact that you work so hard here on the planet, in a body and you are still here, doing the hard work, astounds me. I’m so proud of us both, sister!

      All is well. All is well. Let’s both say this to ourselves over and over. It will be our sisterhood mantra. Our collective mantra. All is well. It truly is well. Even in all of this personal agony, there are huge, delightful, and life-changing lessons being given to me (to all of us, really). Yes, there is pain, for sure. But, the pain carries in its hands, huge gifts for me, for us, for all of mankind. Every time. Pain always means gifts and blessings.

      This piece is born out of a pattern in my life. The pattern comes from childhood. It comes from the deepest wounding, the deepest psychology and trauma, but it is the path that I have chosen to walk in order to get to the light, babe, so it’s absolutely welcomed by me, honored, and necessary for my expansion to a higher consciousness. This is not necessarily a constant pattern anymore, but one that I “story” with myself (and another) from time-to-time. For example, I have “loved” this pattern. I have “married” this pattern. And, I have “left” this pattern when it became too great, too painful, and too damaging to continue to process it with a particular person. This pattern will eventually fade as I heal and grow. It won’t be here forever.

      All of the players (who fit the pattern), and there have been a few very significant ones, have donned the garb of the agreement that we made and they have played their roles beautifully; they have played the agreed-upon roles that I needed them to play so that I could get clear with myself, get the next piece of learning, get to the light. They have agreed to work with me in this life and I agreed to work with them because I want to grow as a soul. I want pain so I can expand. They have given me (and I, them) such huge gifts. For, without the so-called “villains”, I would not be able to eventually see and appreciate the salvation, freedom, love, and glory that is already mine. All of us already have salvation. We just forget that we do and we need villains to show us that we do.

      I love your compassion, sis. I love that you so easily slide into this with me. Please know that although I am in great pain, I am also smiling. The pain signifies growth and mastery. I am becoming a Master in my walk here, in my humanness. I am becoming a worker of light. That has to come with sacrifices, decision-points, agreements, bad decisions, thoughts, stories, good decisions, and deep, deep pain. We are being forged in the fire, sweetie. Every single person on this planet, whether they acknowledge it or not, accept it or not, is being forged in the fire of this time. We are evolving out of narrow-minded, petty, animalistic, lower-mind and negative vibration into a higher, more loving, consciousness-driven vibration. That’s got to hurt.

      I know, I wrote a novel here, but it’s really important to me that you feel okay and know that I’m in pain, but it’s so beyond welcomed by me. I agreed to all of this with other people. I’m not a victim. I’m a co-creator with “the Big Guy/Gal/Unknowable in the Sky” and it’s all good.

      Having such a sweet soul (YOU) with whom to interact makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE, honey. I mean it. YOU save me every time you stop by and share more of yourself, express your ideas, parse this hard stuff with me. I know that I’m not alone. I KNOW that I have a sister, a true, loving, and bright soul-sister in the world. And, I know that you are one of my greatest gifts, love. Kisses to you. Thank you from the deepest places inside of me. *Sigh*

      Reply
  2. MELewis

    I remember feeling like this once upon a time. For me it was not sustainable. I am too needy, too demanding, too selfish to live that pattern. But I remember how much it hurt, and how frustrating it felt to constantly be hoping for more, and have those hopes dashed. I think the hardest part was being in limbo; once the decision was made to end it, and the page was turned, the pain was lessened. It never entirely leaves you but boy, life sure is better when you take it by the balls! Sounds like you’re in that place, Lizzy dear. Wishing you lots of strength and joy as you come through the storm. Bises from France! xo

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Oh, sweet, Mel, YES. My body, heart, and soul jumped up and down at your words and squealed “YES!” I love this from you. I’m wallowing in your triumph and my own.

      Yes, to the freedom of a decision for one’s health and well-being. Yes to arriving at the pointed, clear, and painful but liberating moment when we know that we need to step from the emotional ledge and trust that there is a cloud or a net or a pillow to receive us. Yes to the process of learning what we need by way of our connections with others. Yes to putting our boundaries first.

      I love that you get this. I love that you learned how to take life, as you so adorably put it “by the balls”. I am THERE with YOU, babe. I am. I feel so good inside. Even with the pain. I feel so alive, so proud of myself, and so free. I am right beside you.

      Thank you for your words, your energy, your kisses and hugs from my favorite country. I can feel them. And, you, love. You have the most divine spirit ever. I’m madly in love with your spirit, sister. XOXO

      Reply
  3. love

    This.is.raw. Wonder raw. I bled enough glitter and lost enough stardust in my story to warrant a transfusion. Got one. Good now. Thanks for this. x

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      LOVE-baby!! It’s been sooooo long, sweetness. I’m beyond glad to see you back, sis. How WONDERFUL this is! Thanks for stopping by and taking all of the recent posts in, honey. I’m beaming HUGELY right now. Hooraay! How are you? Tell me everything. XOXO

      Reply

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