Hugging a Cloud: Loving the Unavailable

I love a man. A man who is so “man”, he takes my breath away. Even when I so much as think about him, my insides do this instant-melty-butter thing. I lose all shape and form. I float away on a river of deliciousness. I love this man but he is not here in a body. Well, he is here, but he’s…um…in and out. He comes and goes. He’s here and not here at the same time. He’s both solidly man-ish and vapor-y illusion at the same time. I love this man deeply, wholly, and to the ends of my mitochondria. But.He.Is.A.Cloud. And, you all know what happens when you try to grab a cloud and hold on to it: You free-fall back to the dense and difficult earth. Everything in your body snaps. And, then: Nothing fits back into place. Ever. Again.

photo-unsplash_clouds2

I’m not complaining. It’s a common pattern for lots of people. And, before you go all “CSI” and try to figure out who the specific man is, let me appease your curiosity by telling you that it doesn’t matter. He’s an amalgamation of an energy pattern that lots of us project and are working on in our lives. Myself included. (Obviously) He’s the overarching signal of nearly every partner/parent/sibling/friend/lover/husband with whom I’ve interacted and co-created in this existence. He’s every man and no man. He’s a template, the “messenger” of a big self-realization that I had yesterday. That’s it.

Okay, back to the cloud man; He can be pondered and sometimes touched, but only in the barest (and quickest) of ways. I can gaze upon his veneer, which is really quite lovely, but I cannot hold him. I can’t fully “lock in” with him or truly ever know him. When I try, he wiggles free, a slick fish slipping from my hands, back to the dark safety of his lake; I get just a quick peek of silver-glinting skin beneath the green and murky waters and then he’s gone, swimming away from the penetrating sun of my presence, the skull-splitting light of my words, the piercing oxygen of my intensity.

He is unavailable. Totally. Utterly. Completely. And.I.Love.Him. Of course.

When I hold this man/no-man’s image inside of me, I see amazing eyes, his depth, his wonderful soul, his “foreverness”. I see a huge heart, how he could be available, forward, and present. I see the potential for true connection, a capacity for realness, intimacy, and co-creation with him, but that’s not what I physically have with this man (except on rare occasions). What I have is an approximation; it’s a pleasing, 2-D drawing on a piece of paper. I try to extract his essence, inhale him, tug him deep, and ride our combined energy. But, it’s useless. He’s pressed flat. Closed. Bound by the tight fibers of his page.

To be sure: He’s gorgeous. He’s fascinating. His mind is compelling and brilliant. There is some fascination inside of him for me, but at bottom, he doesn’t want to be held, understood, teased apart, or “seen”. He doesn’t want to be present with me or available to me. If he wanted to, he would be. He would take action. He would show up and stand in the unwavering sunlight of our soul- and body-connection, at least once. But, he doesn’t do that. He stays remote. He comes out for the briefest of exchanges, and then he runs. Can I blame him? No. I can’t. Why?photo-unsplash-clouds

Because…(and this is the HUGE self-realization that I just had, late yesterday): I AM UNAVAILABLE. Um. Yeah. Me. (Cue the music: dunh, dunh, dunh!)

Even with all of my words, all of the love that I beam out to others, all of my intensity and forwardness and passion and deep-feeling, I actually hold myself out, alot.  At my core. I hide. I also wriggle free and escape to the cooling, dark depths of my own lake whenever someone (anyone) gets too close or comes in too hot. I maintain a wide moat around myself that’s writhing with alligators and which no human being can penetrate, navigate, or cross. And, if they do get across, I can retreat to the castle and fire at them from behind my ancient, lichen-covered, stone facade.

True, I’m much more available than many people I know. I am often present. I can look at and process uncomfortable things with others. I can often be an adult in my relationships. I do show up. Frequently. But, what I’m talking about here is what happens deep inside of me…way down in the deepest depths of my body and psyche. I do not let people into my deepest places. I seem available (and to a point, I am), but ultimately, no one ever gets all the way in. No one gets past the dragon. No one ever makes it to my inner sanctum, which is protected by a bad-ass Viking who is so extravagantly powerful, even I cannot remove him. I’ve tried. (He thinks I’m a simpering idiot. He’s not going anywhere.)

So, this is my realization:

  • You draw what you are. In other words, we draw to us what we possess inside of us. We draw behaviors from others that we share with them.
  • We draw from others and the environment what we want to work on and either eliminate or elaborate.
  • What we experience in life matches an energy frequency that we ourselves emanate, period. It’s a signal.
  • What we send out, attracts like-energy from others and then we live our own creation.

I’m living my own creation. I draw unavailable people because at my core, I am unavailable. “Real” relationships get too much of my underbelly; they are too close, too damaging, and make me too vulnerable. I’ve been too hurt. This means that I don’t often take deeper risks with others. I stay safe. I don’t practice trusting. I don’t communicate effectively. I don’t speak my core truth. I don’t extend myself past a certain phase or point. When hurt by another, I curl inward and lick my wounds (for decades). I say nothing. I stop trying. And, if a relationship goes “south”, it’s no harm/no foul because I wasn’t fully there in the first place. I saunter away after a day or two of pain.

Up to now, it’s been easier to point to the other person and say: “Well, you are not coming forward” or “You are not present with me”, but it’s been much harder to realize that my projection actually comes from within me. It’s taken me a very long time to understand that the energy in my relationships originates with me. My reticence to be fully forward in relationship, to be completely honest in relationship, is drawing my present circumstances. There is no getting around this.

So, when faced with reluctance from others to step forward, spend time with me, and be in my company, this indicates my reluctance to step from the shadows and take risks and fully insert myself into my emotional connections with others. I now see that I am the God of this design. I am the creator of this template. I have crafted this pattern out of the horrible wounding from my past. And, I have maintained the pattern (subconsciously, of course) for my entire life.  I cannot complain about the way I’m treated if I’m offering the signal to which others are aligning and stepping forward to match. There it is. So, now. I want to own the signal. Own the responsibility.

In coming to this awareness, I realized something else. I want to heal my attachment disorder. I do. I want to be closer to other people. I want to take risks and live those risks and benefit/hurt from those risks, fully. I want to love to the ends of my cells whenever I can. I want to open my rib cage and let him in, even if it means he stomps my insides and I end up having to defend myself. I want to attract people who are ready for a solid, mesmerizing, all-encompassing journey with me into places that perhaps frighten us both, but by being there together, we become stronger individually and achieve our greatest, fastest expansion.

I want to live the intensity and fervor that I feel inside of my amazing body and let others live in my fervor, too. And, I want to feel and hold other people’s fervor. I want a real exchange. I want real truth. An honest exchange. A risky exchange. I want real people, not clouds. I’m talking about totally honest, unwavering, non-judgmental realness of two (or more) people who understand each other completely and accept each other regardless of what’s being felt and expressed.

I want to connect so deeply that no words are necessary but when we use them, they simply add to what we’re doing together. I want to look into his face and know that he owns his fear, that he’s comfortable with his fear, that he can express his fear and yet still show up for himself and still show up for me once in a while. I don’t want all of his time. I do not need to own his schedule, his soul, or even see him daily. I’m not asking for possession or servitude. I’m not asking for a forever commitment. I’m asking for an honest journey. I’m asking for someone who can process with me sometimes, traipse through the childhood darkness inside of himself sometimes, hold his own heart and mine, sometimes. But, above all, I’m asking for one who can be honest. Even if it’s ugly. Even if it hurts.

Lastly, (and few have any way of knowing this, but the following is a very BIG statement from me):  I want to drop my weapons, retire the Viking, leave the door open, wait there, and be soft for the first time in my life. I want you inside my inner sanctum. This means that I want you to conquer me, all of me, in love and light, in truth and expansion, in the delicious, rich, error-prone, full-feeling, and succulent physical. For the first time in my life, I’m ready to submit. I can’t believe it, but that’s the uncomfortable and scary truth. I’m ready. Meet me.

Advertisements

23 thoughts on “Hugging a Cloud: Loving the Unavailable

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Sweet sister, Pua, Thank you so much for taking a walk through this with me. It’s so nice to know that I have a true family out there and can find my place among my people. Side-by-side, we walk, honey. ❤

      Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Ellen, Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this post with me, sweet human. I love it. Yeah, I’m acutely uncomfortable with my honesty, often. LOL! But, it’s ultimately the path for me. The only path. You are cut from the same cloth now, aren’t you? 🙂

      Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Jackie-LOVE! How are you, sister writer and poet of the soul? Thanks for coming over, girl. I’ve missed you. I need to come visit your bloggy and catch up. Thank you for gracing me with your presence here and your kind, kind thoughts. I wish the very same for you, honey. 🙂

      Reply
  1. mariner2mother

    Wowza!! So huge my amazing sister!! I am continually blown away by your expressiveness and so beyond proud of your insight. You bang on nailed it. (Couldn’t help that last one- construction and nail banging going on in my kitchen). Aren’t those big Aha Moments grand?

    “We draw to us what we possess inside of us.” Yes ma’am! I have discovered along the road of healing my own childhood wounds that I relate to the entire world so differently because the me deep inside of me (the Little Me) is so much happier and more confident these days. And the world in turn relates differently to me. It’s truly amazing.

    “I want to drop my weapons, retire the Viking, leave the door open, wait there, and be soft for the first time in my life. I want you inside my inner sanctum.” Sounds like you’re ready to bring down what Bradley Nelson calls your heart wall. Yes, it can be scary and I’m so freeking excited for you!!!

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Susan-LOVE! You are a ray of sunshine in my day/week/month/year/LIFE! Hahahaha…I love the “bang on, nailed it” and your photos of the construction on Facebook. Looks like some great stuff happening in your world: you are moving more energy, sissy! Love it! You know, I totally agree with you on this. The “little you” is much happier and healthy now and it does color every interaction, every nuance of life, every thought. What a great place to be, honey.

      Today, ah, today, I’m in an existential crisis. Seriously. Today, I’m so sick of everything. I’m so bored with life. I’m sitting here feeling the utter emptiness and futility of life on this planet. Nothing jumps out at me as appealing, not writing, not reading, not riding, not other people. I want nothing. And, yet, I’m so sick of being here. So tired. Not sure if this is my ego trying to retain dominance due to this blog post or what. But, dude, if I could step out and let it all drop in this minute, I absolutely would. I would be out of here. I would step off into nothing if I could. And, that thought, that desire does not scare me in the least. I hope you understand; it’s not at all a suicidal feeling inside of me today. It’s not an active, terrorized, frenzied thing; it’s a feeling of “This shit never changes. I’m stuck here. I don’t want to move. I’m beyond bored by life. Nothing captivates me”. So hard to explain. Suffice it to say: I’m sick of everything. Most of all, I’m sick of myself. But, I know this will shift. I can count on it. Maybe I’ll take a ride on the bike and get my mojo back.:)

      Thanks for coming by, as always, sugar. I love you. That I know. I do love you.

      Reply
      1. mariner2mother

        Oh how what you say resonates with me as well. This past year especially, I had a LOT of not wanting to be here dealing with this crap. A lot! We are not alone. One intuitive I asked about this told me that I’m just now surpassing the most progress I made in any lifetime, and from here on out its new territory for me.

        One thing that helped me tremendously was the last hypnosis session I did a number of weeks ago. I haven’t written about it yet because it was so big that I’m still processing it. But I’ll share part of what came through for me in case it resonates with you. And that was, it’s not my job to heal anyone (even though I believe I’m a healer), but the only one I need concern myself with changing is me. My job is to walk in the world. Period. I may serve as an example of what is possible. I may help others raise their vibration by vibrating at my own frequency, shining my light, so strongly, that it gives other people permission to remember their brilliance and divinity. Perhaps being the music that sings to the crystal glass, allowing it to vibrate in resonant song. The session gave much such definition of my purpose that it left me very excited to see how things unfold. I have no idea what fulfilling my purpose will look like, and I’m ok with that. It will happen in due time.

        Are you aware that this fall solstice is a time of massive shifts on several levels? I think a lot of people are dumping old energy in big ways right now, and it often feels really crappy. ( I’ve got the first cold I’ve had in over 18 mos. and it’s a bad one- finally over the hump). Hang on for the ride of your life girl!

  2. Yoga Moods

    Liz, I am so glad I stopped by tonight to see what you’ve been up to. Always enlightening. Always pleasure almost painful as your words and images touch my eyes and sink deep into my soul. I feel like I can touch them. I see so much of myself in what you say and your openness is so inspiring. Funny how we can be so open and easily connect with others but when it comes to the deepest level … sometimes it seems we just cannot let ANYONE in. The weapons come out; it’s almost like we have no control even though we are trying to be in control. Your intention in this post is powerful though, and I am with you. I came together with “el amor de mi vida” early this year in a way that is so mysterious and almost indescribable but undeniable. And things have gotten scary. And amazingly beautiful. Feelings that in 38 years on this planet had not until now arisen in my body, mind, and emotions. And to experience that type of connection with someone else, we have to be willing to face ourselves – with a witness – in the most difficult ways. And to experience that place in another person willing to share. Takes a lot of strength for sure, but it is definitely worth it. Thank you for sharing your experience of the deepest LOVE. Love to you always.

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Sweet Jen!! I am deeply sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to your lovely comment here. So good hearing from you, my sweet sis living her dreams in So. America! Love hearing from you. Your words: “I came together with “el amor de mi vida” early this year in a way that is so mysterious and almost indescribable but undeniable. And things have gotten scary. And amazingly beautiful. Feelings that in 38 years on this planet had not until now arisen in my body, mind, and emotions. And to experience that type of connection with someone else, we have to be willing to face ourselves – with a witness – in the most difficult ways. And to experience that place in another person willing to share. Takes a lot of strength for sure, but it is definitely worth it.” JUST enthrall me, mommy! I’m blown away by the energy that I feel coming off of these words. The momentum of what you’re experiencing with him, the levels to which you are traveling, ohhhh…so delicious! I can feel waves and waves of it. Fear mixed with passion mixed with delight, intrigue, some small twinges of sadness sometimes. It’s amazing, sister. To you both: I’m so proud of the work you are doing together, because it is WORK. You both are healing parts of the human condition that only you can heal here and now. We are all relying on you to keep showing up to your highest abilities and whatever you are doing is enough to feed us all. I’m eternally appreciative for your union because it’s healing all of us, love. I love you, Jen. I do. I know that’s strange for two chicas who have yet to stand in the same room together, but it’s real. HUGE hugs and kisses to you!

      Reply
      1. Yoga Moods

        Lizzy, you can’t imagine how much your words are supporting me right now. I needed to hear them and they came at just the perfect time. I love you too, powerful, beautiful woman. I truly hope us two chicas do find ourselves in the same room before long! xoxoxoooo

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Darling Melanie! Thank you so much for stopping by, letting me know you did, and for reading, love. Your words of kindness mean so much to me, mon ami! Bises!

      Reply
  3. Pingback: Loving What Doesn’t Love Back | BigBodyBeautiful

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Love, thank you so much for stopping by and reading so many of my recent posts, honey. I’m beyond honored that you binge-read like the last seven posts. That’s alotta Lizzy to handle for one day, sweetheart. LOL!

      You honor me so much. As for melting the Viking. Yes, there are moments when I really want to do that. Mostly, I spend my time telling him that I accept him in my life; I accept his messages. I recognize that he’s here for a reason, but I have found that there are always “things” standing behind him. I ask him to step aside and reveal what he’s been standing in front of and hiding from me. It’s been really revealing. He often hides my vulnerability. I love him for that. I’ve had some great conversations with my Viking recently. His name is Vidor (it means “warrior”). He’s my protector. I need him sometimes. But, you’re right. I’m needing him less these days. I welcome the shift and he understands.

      Thanks for bringing your abundant light back to my blog and heart, sis. I have missed you so much! XOXO

      Reply
  4. Fat Bottom Girl

    Oh, my fellow lovely FBG, you speak to my heart with this post, because this is exactly where I’ve been lately. Scared to fuck to let down my walls, while at the same time, fearful I will die without love. I didn’t realize you posted this way back in 2015, as I’ve been hiding and nursing wounds from a venture into trusting a man–which didn’t turn out so well, but that’s such a long story. I’ve missed you, and hope you are well!!

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      My lovely FatBottom Sista!!! Sooo good hearing from you, angel. Soooo sorry you’ve been stuck in this hell, babe. UGH! Sorry to hear about your heartbreak, love-bunny. Take all the time you need to understand it and heal it, love. Makes perfect sense that you would retreat a bit while processing. I’ve been so friggen’ busy lately that I’ve had hardly any time for this blog or any of my gorgeous friends whom I LOVE to connect with and go read posts from, etc. It’s abysmal, I tell ya. But, so GOOD hearing from you, FBG! Truly! I’ve missed you, mama. Big, healing {{{HUGS}}} coming your way, girl. You got this! XOXO

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s