Trapped in a Big Fat Trap

Very recently, I’ve realized something that I have felt for a very long time. I’m in a trap. A trap that I’ve obviously constructed with great care and precision but haven’t been able to step out of no matter how hard I work on myself. I’ve articulated this through some tune-up therapy sessions with a remarkable psychologist here in Sedona and was able to express how big this is for me. In all of my many lifetimes, the collective experiences, exhaustive nuances of emotion, endless thoughts, and activities have created a near-constant sense of claustrophobia or “stuckness” inside of me. I feel trapped. Alot. And, like any trapped animal, hmmm…well, I fight it. In fact, I often feel like I’m chewing a leg off to get free, but free of what?

So, I’ve been drilling into what this idea of being trapped means and why it seems to be coming to a head in this life now. And, believe you me, it’s coming to a serious head right now. I’ve been looking at what these ideas mean for my lovely body. I’ve been asking myself why I often carry an underlying current of anxiety and unease that is closely tied to feeling stuck. I’ve been asking if I am in fact really stuck or is this such a common refrain with me that I’ve gotten used to it and believe that I am stuck. I’ve also been able to isolate that feeling trapped is a “theme”, in most (if not all) of my lives; this feeling is not new to me at all; it’s very familiar, though it feels like it hasn’t been so sharply outlined until now.

I’ll give you an example of one of my more recent lives where I felt so incredibly trapped, I invented a way out of that life at an early age, because I just couldn’t take the pressure, pain, and confinement anymore. In the mid 1800s, I was in a convent in England. Both of my parents had died. At age 12, I was shipped off to live with the nuns in the countryside. I was unruly, loud, restless (hmmm…sensing another life theme here, too?!), disobedient, and constantly punished by the nuns for being so wild and disruptive. Eventually, the nuns grew so tired of my outbursts and having to scold me all of the time that they sent me to live out in the barn with the goats and other animals, where a mute nun named, Mary took care of me and raised me alongside the goats. Mary and the goats were the highlight of that entire lifetime. Anyway, at age 15, I was “purchased” by an older wealthy man, a total stranger, and he moved me to France where he then proceeded to rape me as soon as the carriage pulled up in front of the house. He impregnated me immediately and at age 16, I died horrifically in childbirth.

This is just one of many examples from my past of being confined, stuck, powerless, and abused. And, lest you think what happens in our past lives does not influence the present-day life, think again. It’s all in there, recorded inside of our souls, and it’s all exerting influence whether you believe in this stuff or not. It comes out. It finds a way.  And, oh, mama, is it ever coming out in my life now. In this particular life, I’ve felt:

  • Trapped in a family of angry, dysfunctional people
  • Trapped by poverty and circumstance
  • Trapped in my jobs
  • Trapped by workaholism
  • Trapped in a body that hasn’t been my ideal (until the last 20 years or so)
  • Trapped in relationship
  • Trapped by my own thoughts, feelings, and need for expression
  • Trapped by my ego
  • Trapped by my desires
  • Trapped in an existence that has long-ceased being fun
  • Trapped by societal rules, regulations, gender definitions, and codifications for behavior
  • Trapped by friendships and other people’s expectations of me
  • Trapped by my rampant anxiety
  • Trapped by religion
  • Trapped by a psychic ability that scares the livin’ crap out of me and which I greatly stifle

On and on and on….

In this life, I’ve felt huge resistance to being in yet another body, being in yet another difficult and painful incarnation. I’ve often felt chained to my psychology, bound by my emotional struggles, glued-in-place by yet another abysmal childhood, and suffocated by my intensity. Many times in this life, I’ve turned my eyes heavenward and pleaded with Source/Creator/All-That-Is to release me from this earthly trap. I’m still here. Healthy as a horse. Yes, even with over 20 lung embolisms (in both lungs) in 2012 and a clot the size of Kansas in my right leg, plus six surgeries in three weeks to treat the effects of the clots, I’m still friggen’ here. Trapped. Always caged. Always bound to the earth plane. Always suffering. And, the worst (best?) part of it: always painfully aware, awake, full-feeling, and unavoidably sober. I cannot escape this. I cannot go back to numbing myself (like in past lives). I cannot take the edges off. I cannot get relief except by walking through the fire and burning in it. And, oh, how I burn.

trap

So, why this realization and revelation now? Why is this such a strong sense in me now? What does it mean for my beautiful, long-suffering body now? What can I do about it? What does this situation need from me to shift it? How do I shift this? As you can see, my questions are copulating like bunnies and making even more questions. Maybe it’s partly due to my age. I’m 49 and rabidly menopausal. So, maybe some of these feelings are just what “women do at this time in their lives”. But, what does it all mean? Dunno yet. However, I can tell you that I have an urgency inside right now that is really strong. And, I feel trapped in my work/life situation.

The trapped thoughts/feelings are stemming from confining myself psychically, mentally, and physically. I’ve worked myself into a stupor for 30 years. I’m talking about 80+-hour weeks for 30 straight years. I’ve let life speed past me while I sat at a keyboard tapping out words for corporations and making them gobs of money while allowing myself to remain chained to their success instead of my own. I’ve not rested or relaxed or sat still. I’ve take only one formal vacation in my life (in 2010) where I left the country, but what did I do for most of the vacation? I worked in my hotel room. Work is my addiction, my distraction, my drug. Choosing “paying work” keeps me from doing my deeper self-work. It has distracted me from living in the deepest depths where I want (and don’t want) to be. It has kept me from drilling down on my “sensitivity”, my psychic ability.

Sure, I’ve gotten a crap-load of stuff done. I’m not a total slug. I have more energy than most and I have made tremendous strides on myself despite my work addiction. I’ve come a very long way, but right now, I’m feeling so, so stuck because of these commitments that I’ve made and “must see through”. Seriously, a very large part of me wants to move to a huge mountain, live in a tiny cabin, chop wood, grow vegetables, ride my Harley, work only when absolutely necessary, write my books, meditate, do yoga, and breathe. That’s it. I want to check out. I want to feel the earth, listen to the earth, be fully awake on the earth, and rest for my last 27-odd years here.

So, this week, I processed these thoughts/feelings with my awesome psychologist and he gently reminded me that “being trapped” is a thought that I am attaching to; it’s a “story” that I am identifying as reality, but it is not reality. I’ve been believing my thoughts about being trapped. So, the thoughts are the trap. Isn’t that interesting? But, the reality is: I am not trapped. I am free. I can walk away. I can change my circumstances. I can come and go. I can move. I can fly anywhere in the world, if I really want to, and I can do anything I want. What’s important is the feeling attached to the thought of being trapped. It’s what’s below the stories that I tell myself that is most important to trace and then understand. What’s the feeling? What’s below it? What’s causing the pain? Pause…pause…pause…

Sitting with it, I learned this: I feel HUGE fear and pain below the story of “being trapped”. Fear of taking true responsibility for myself, of standing up for myself, and speaking my truth. Why? Okay…go deeper…deeper…yep…right there…got it. When I stood up for myself in childhood, my mom physically and emotionally abused me. She routinely tried to destroy me over the twelve years that I lived with her and she tried in multiple ways. Other people in the past have done similar stuff to me, too. Feeling trapped is tied to this core of fear, pain, and mistrust. People sometimes hurt me when I stand up and tell them what I think, when I reveal my tender underbelly, when I get vulnerable. People have maligned and shamed my expression. People sometimes use my words against me later. People often judge and criticize me for my feelings. I’ve been hugely damaged when getting real and trusting others.

And, as an aside, like many people do, I’ve “shielded” with my body. I’ve used my body to keep people at bay, keep the world away from me, to keep people out of my tender core. My body has dutifully guarded my innards by being larger and denser. She’s been my “protector”. She’s been my insulator all of these years, my padding against the weapons people have waved at me and used on me. How I love my body for protecting me and doing exactly what I needed from her and couldn’t even openly articulate. I have the best body on this planet. I know it. She’s the best one.

Anyway, on the outside, I know that I want to stand up for myself because it means greater clarity and greater expansion as a consciousness, but when I do stand up for myself, I get stomped. So, inside is a huge feeling of being unable to stand up (trapped) to clear the way for my expansion because that comes with huge pain, familiar pain, unwanted pain. There. That’s it. This is all a natural reaction to past experiences and damage. I can identify with the thoughts that are a lie or I can go deeper and unearth what’s below the thoughts, which is the truth. The feelings are the truth. My feelings are here for a very good reason; they make perfect sense. The feelings never lie.The feelings are the path through the darkness.

Now, my real work comes. What to do with all of this? How to “act” in integrity and clarity around this revelation? How to invite understanding and communication with myself and others on this. How to heal this? I’m going to continue looking at it and going below the surface of the thoughts. For now, that is enough. When I can, I’m going to speak my truth to others and regardless of their reactions, I’m going to know that it’s enough for me to have spoken my truth. They do not have to accept me or my expression. They do not have to validate me. I do. I’m opening the trap and stepping from it. I’m walking into the unknown, into the soft air, into the arms of the mountain. I’m freeing myself.

Advertisements

24 thoughts on “Trapped in a Big Fat Trap

  1. MELewis

    Oh, LIzzy, I feel for you! You need to give yourself space: mental, emotional, physical. I know this because I often feel trapped, too. The only solution is to give, give, give to yourself. Be generous, give yourself breathing room! You have the awareness of the entrapment feeling, the claustrophobia, and you know what it probably means, so you are at the tip of the iceberg in solving it. I hope you have the courage to be generous with yourself. You deserve it. Take a chance on you. Biggest bises XXX

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Awwww…sweetest, Mel. Thank you so much for these kind words and the energy behind them. You are absolutely right! The space I’m seeking has to come from me. I’m way too hard on myself, dearest. The space I seek is within….ahhhhh…so good to be reminded of this. We are, each of us, expanded beings and our souls are as large as the cosmos. Feel into that. breathe into that and know that all is well. All is where it should be. I love that you bring such light and expansion to my world, sister. What a gift you are…

      Reply
  2. mariner2mother

    It’s so hard to write through the tears. I feel your pain so deeply. So very similar and yet a little bit different. I love your amazing self awareness. Looking beneath to discover, to uncover, to ferret out whatever is there. When I think of trapped, I think of what must be our very first feelings bringing our huge spirit into these tiny confining bodies. I wonder what is the fear that keeps you from stepping into your intuitive abilities. I bet it directly has to do with your experiences with your mother when you were little.

    I’ve been able to discover a few things about being so very energetically sensitive and aware as a child that I did for survival reasons. One was eating and noticing that when I ate, my solar plexus that felt everything around me, was temporarily quieted. Because a lot of what I was feeling was coming from a mentally ill mother, eating shut off all the wonkiness I was taking in, and sugar in particular did the trick. (Still need to do a little work there). Another thing I discovered, but haven’t written about yet, was intentionally giving away my power to my mother so she wouldn’t go off on me. I subverted myself. OMG (aha moment). This was why I was such a very shy child.

    Now that I am safe (I have developed healthy personal boundaries with no guilt for having them) I can be aware of other people’s crap and not take it on or subvert myself. I’d love to see you step into your intuitive gifts. Just keep your intention to work with the highest of frequencies, and find a teacher to help guide you… when you’re ready… or not.

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Susan, Love of My Soul:

      My traveling last week and over the weekend prohibited me from responding to these amazing comments of yours, sweetness. So, allow me to send you this lovely virtual pat on the head and kiss for having to wait.

      Oh, Goddess. YES! Your words are exactly what I feel, babe: ” When I think of trapped, I think of what must be our very first feelings bringing our huge spirit into these tiny confining bodies.” Yes, you get it completely. I totally FEEL this and have articulated this in the past; I feel so confined in the body often. My therapist has helped me tremendously with tapping into the expansiveness that is in my core, in my soul, in order to help me sense that I am not trapped. He asked me to go into my deepest place and sense what’s there. I *saw* (in my third eye) that what is located in the center of my body is the entire cosmos. I *saw* it so clearly–planets, stars, dust particles, colors, light, darkness, all of it. I have but to close my eyes and sense that infinity inside of me and it helps me work through the anxiety and claustrophobia that I often feel. It takes discipline on my part, but it sometimes works great.

      So, I’ve learned that what keeps me from stepping forward into my gift is the dozen or so lifetimes in which I was hurt, maimed, and murdered for my psychic gifts: using them, teaching them to others, leading spiritual communities, etc. I’ve been horribly tortured, damaged, humiliated, and killed for my gifts.

      In this life, I’ve had such big blocks in place and have been so vigilant about protecting myself that I’ve shut everything down. This is why my throat chakra is a mess and “blocks” any signal from getting up or down. I have throat issues for days. It’s truly depressing to me. I’ve tried lots of stuff to release my block, but it’s a big cement plug in my way (and in my throat). When I so much as talk about “channeling”, my entire body starts shaking. I often get cold and clammy, and my throat constricts instantly. As for finding a teacher in Sedona…. Well, it hasn’t happened. I don’t know where my teacher is. I don’t think they are here. I remain open, however. 🙂

      LOVE what you’ve discovered about being so sensitive and how you used food to quiet everything down. Soooo amazing! It makes perfect sense. I can see you in my mind reaching for a treat while your mother spirals out of control around you and the house. I can so see this image. My whole body just breathes into that and feels a huge “yes”.

      I chose the opposite. I chose to stop eating and ate too few calories for my size (for years), so my body went into starvation mode and turned all I ate into instant fat. I honestly ate around 1000 calories per day or less for years and years. At 250 pounds, that just isn’t enough intake and my weight never budged. I’ve actually recently lost about 35 pounds by eating MORE calories. It’s CRAZY!

      This soooo gets me: “intentionally giving away my power to my mother so she wouldn’t go off on me. I subverted myself.” OMG, right? It’s the whole “fly under the radar thing”, honey! I completely feel this, Susan. I feel like it happened for you at a very, very young age, too. You “decided” to be safe and did the thing that would make you safe around her. I did the same by making myself “perfect”. I did all the chores without being asked. I cleaned up, took care of mom, performed perfectly, and basically made my mom’s life seamless, so she would leave me the hell alone. HUGE “Ah-Ha” moment!

      Sis, we could not be more parallel and I can’t thank you enough for finding me again and helping me like you do. You are an angel incarnate. I mean it. I need to stop and tend to my throat chakra; it’s squeezing the shit out of me right now. I gotta get some “light” in there. I love you madly!

      Reply
      1. mariner2mother

        I can relate to the perfection thing too. And that most likely has to do with my thyroid. Probably in the next year I’ll have a session about my thyroid. Still letting things settle from this spring’s energy work. Love you buckets!!!

        And the one thing I keep remembering is that we are exactly where we are supposed to be in any given moment. It’s literally, all good.

  3. Yoga Moods

    I hope you will come visit us sometime in the rainforest mountains. 🙂 We will have some lovely meditations and lots of time for art, yoga, and beautiful healing foods and drinks! And I’m very serious, my soulful friend. Sending lots of love and hugs your way!

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Jen-baby!! Oooo…that sounds amazing. I don’t do humidity very well, so if it’s a tropical local, I’d have to wait for the off-season in order to participate, but other than that, YES! Tell me more, babe! 🙂

      Reply
      1. Jen

        Hm … well, it’s not usually too hot & humid here since it’s in the mountains … there’s a coolness that makes it really comfortable – it does rain often but it’s not the hot/humid I’m used to from New England summers. It’s not that oppressive feeling and that hot, sweaty, sticky weather. I finally went for it and moved to Costa Rica (near the Arenal Volcano) – I’d been seriously considering it for a few years. I met some wonderful likeminded people and am finally working completely with herbs, farming, yoga, etc. We are starting a campground on a farm in the jungle (tent camping and a couple of nice bodegas, too) with a restaurant, yoga deck, sweat lodge, teepee, lots of nature trails! I can relate to the work obsession. I’ve always been a workaholic and now I’m bringing my long-term dream to life (after working for corporations for so long). Luckily the work is relaxing… And I can relate to the emotions, the feeling of “trapped-ness.” Even now that I am finally doing what I want to do with my life I catch myself in that thought pattern. Anyway, I’d love to have you down here to enjoy the beautiful nature and some peace together! You always have a place here to visit if you are ever up for it! xoxo

      2. BigLizzy Post author

        Lovely JEN!! You have so, so blown my mind, dear friend. I LOVE that you moved to Costa Rica and are making your dreams come true! Such an INSPIRATION, honey! I’m beyond tempted to come down there and hang with you guys! I really need to take a sabbatical to finish my novel. Hmmm…Now you’ve got me thinking about this, seriously! Your life sounds wonderful. What you’re creating there sounds wonderful. How awesome! I’m literally blown away, darling! And, now, I’m pulling out my calendar. LOL!

      3. Yoga Moods

        Hmmm humidity… I hear you. Well, it does rain regularly here but it isn’t the hot, sweaty, feeling like you’re about to turn into a puddle kind of humidity. Since it’s in the mountains, it’s also pretty cool and fresh, especially at night. Very comfortable temperature.

        I can relate to the workaholism. And the feelings of trapped-ness. Many years of feeling trapped. I catch myself in it even now after all the work I’ve done. Emotions can be so difficult at times, and in this life I only hope to help myself and others find health and peace. After many years I am finally working on what I’ve always really wanted to do – open a healing retreat / bed & breakfast. Turns out it is happening in Costa Rica (near the Arenal Volcano)! A move that I’d been seriously considering for a few years now.

        When I came down here earlier this year to explore the opportunities, things started falling into place to make this happen. So I’m moving to a farm in the middle of the jungle surrounded by old growth rainforest. Starting a campground with a couple of bodegas, a yoga deck, a restaurant, a sweat lodge, and some beautiful hiking trails. I understand if you don’t think you’d like the weather here but just know you are always welcome and have a place to call home while you are here if you do decide to come! You can do yoga, meditate, write, read, do art, ride a horse, relax … whatever you feel like … and we will spoil you with herbal treatments and delicious healing foods! 🙂 Hope you are feeling better – thinking of you!

  4. ridicuryder

    Dear Rabidly Menopausal,

    You are very self aware. 🙂

    I recently took a closer look at a guy named Gabor Mate, a Canadian MD who has done a lot of addiction work. You may already know of him (or at least be following him indirectly through others with similar views). His basic message is poorly treated (or poorly bonded) children are set up for a lifetime of struggles with Attachment, Disease and Addiction which coincidentally is the title of the first video I recommend people watch to gain understanding of his work.


    which is called Gabor Mate: Attachment, Disease and Addiction

    Watch this video second:

    When the Body Says No — Caring for ourselves while caring for others. Dr. Gabor Maté

    The first video is Gabor in front of a fireplace talking, the second is him in front of a group of health care providers. The subject matter overlaps quite a bit, but there is a different dynamic (live audience) style in the second talk and it enhances and shifts some ideas around from the first talk. You seem to be a caregiver / nurturing person Lizzy, so I think you’ll get a fair bit out of Dr Mate’s perspectives (or someone reading here if you already know his work).

    In my case, examining Mate’s ideas has made me aware of why I have always seemed weirdly comfortable being at a disadvantage in various situations. Even when I understand my position is undermined…I proceed anyway. Half the battle is understanding why you do something and I think you already do to a great extent. The other half can be why childhood trauma manifests disease from an emotional / procedural memory standpoint. Understanding this allows you to either switch behaviors or be a little more at ease rather than so dis-eased in these choices…this second part has been half-muddy for me over the years. Coming across Gabor has distilled a lot of the disease / ease choices for me.

    I say choices because we choose this stuff whether we know it or not.

    Love,
    RidicuRyder

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Ridicuryder,

      You so give me the giggles. I love how you just addressed this comment, “Dear Rabidly Menopausal”. Hahahahahhahahaha!!! I just love you, bro.

      So, so interesting, honey. I’m heading over to check out these links right now! Thank you very much for sending this info to me. I’m beyond intrigued. I’ll ping you when I watch the vids…

      Love, your wildly appreciative (hot-flash-ridden) friend, Lizzy.

      P.S. When are you coming to Sedona?

      Reply
    2. BigLizzy Post author

      Ridicuryder,

      Ohhhh…I am IN LOVE with Mate, my friend. He’s so amazing. This vid is so amazing. YOU are so amazing. I’m eternally appreciative of receiving this content from you, brother.

      I want to go deeper with it. I’ve been uber busy these past few weeks and need to re-watch the videos, because I feel like I couldn’t really take it all in as deeply as I wanted to. Mate very much reminds me of some of the terrain being explored by the equally esteemed and remarkable Bernie Seigel. I’m sure you’ve checked him out before. His Web site is: http://berniesiegelmd.com/.

      I’ve been “diagnosed” with Attachment Disorder in this life and it makes perfect sense given what I survived. That content speaks to me so much, of course. Despite my deep connection with others, I remain safe, protected, and unreachable. I know this about myself and am ready to dig deeper into that sore place.

      I love hearing your process around how you are distilling the disease/ease choices. You fascinate me. Your words are so alive and so pointed. You have me sitting up and taking notice on every level, my friend. My GOD, you are a deep dude. I’m tickled beyond belief. Keep talking to me. Keep telling me about your thoughts and feelings. I’m entranced.

      Well, my soulful-friend. Thank you again for being here and giving so much. Because, you do…

      Reply
      1. ridicuryder

        Hey BigLizzy,

        I just visited Bernie Siegel with your link. I have heard of him but I’ve never read his stuff, he seems interesting….

        I suspect a diagnosis like disrupted attachment etc. can help you develop better understanding for the patterns you live with over and over 🙂 Despite some difficulties, the situation seems more about coming to a whole understanding and less about what’s missing for me. A determinist might assert we lack free will because life “shapes” us. I can see their point up until one develops broader self awareness…smoothing and slicing grooves into those “shaping” influences.

        There also seems to be a trap where you get too smooth…too finished. I like my rough edged idiot, his wildness and how he can hold compassion for others (often) by seeing himself as incomplete. So I hope you smooth things where you need to and stay ragged in those wounds our souls like us to bleed from.

        Love,
        Mark

      2. BigLizzy Post author

        Ridicuryder-Mark, I’m a schmuck. I never responded to this awesome comment, this kind and fascinating comment you left for me. So sorry! Honey, I love your words. When you write things down, I’m sitting at the edge of my chair. I get lost on your blog all of the time. I try to “understand” what you express and my ego just flips out because you are so freaking deep and so vibrating at a fast speed that my dense and slow ego does not know what to do with you. That makes me beyond happy. I love a good puzzle.

        I so look forward to the moment when our eyes lock for the first time in this incarnation because I suspect that something magical will transfer. An ancient tome will open in some celestial realm and a deep voice will begin reading from the esoteric scriptures writ there. What will come of it? I don’t know but it will be big. I can feel it. 🙂

        You’ll happily note that I’ve retained my raggedness and my wounds, honey. I’m beyond reach today, friend. I hold a deep listlessness today and am being gripped by an intense boredom, an emptiness that I can’t shake. It’s an existential crisis of epic size and heft. So, maybe this is the beginning of my getting so clear that I don’t need to incarnate anymore. Ha! FAT CHANCE, eh?

        Come visit.

        Love,
        Lizzy

      3. ridicuryder

        Celestial Schmuck,

        You’re not the only one to puzzle over the blog. I’m 1/2 finished a book with paragraphs for each bit of dialog, better attribution and a lot less free style punctuation. 🙂 It should help transfer the information along standard lines. I needed to write my trip, but wasn’t really paying attention to form much along the way. It’s cool you are checking it out…I know it’s pretty scruffy.

        I am still watching a few factors tumble into place, the trip out west may take a while (spring if not fall). I’m pretty sure most of us incarnate just for fun…yeah we’ve hung out before. 😉

        Get me at ridicuryder at gmail – com if you like.

        Love,
        Mark

  5. Pingback: Trapped in a Big Fat Trap | கரியே வயிரம்

  6. Yoga Moods

    I just got your reply, Liz & noticed mine went thru twice (in slightly different variations) 😉 sketchy internet connection here – anyway, thinking of you and yes please do consider coming down here for your sabbatical! All you gotta do is get to the airport and I’ll pick you up. You have my email I think. Sending Love. ❤

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      jen-babe! I saw that, too, but I liked both so I kept them out there. You, my dear, are a light in this world that never dims. I feel you so in your power right now with this move to South America and the healing space you’ve created there. I would love to visit. I remain open to it very much. we’ll see what the universe has in store for me and the journey. I love you, sis!

      Reply
  7. Joanna

    Dearest Lizzy, I so feel your pain! I often feel trapped. In my body, in my marriage, in my life… even in my job, which I love!

    I don’t understand how I can feel trapped in something I love, but I do! And it is a vicious cycle because I feel trapped and then I feel bad about feeling trapped so I get sad, so then I feel trapped by my sadness and then it’s this cyclone of feeling trapped by feelings and circumstances and it just goes round and round.

    I just have to say darling, I am so sorry you have gone through such horrible things! You and I have that in common… Why people feel that they can use and abuse other human beings and just toss them aside like trash is beyond my comprehension.

    Anyway, all that to say this… I feel you. And I want you to know, I care. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You are never alone in this world… Lots of love, hugs and prayers headed your way sis!! xoxo

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Joanna-LOVE! First of all, please accept my heart-felt apology for not responding to this wonderful comment of yours in a timely manner. It’s been a wild couple of weeks and I’ve been out on my bike at various fundraisers and functions, etc. I’ve had almost no time to play on my little bloggy recently. So, I’m really sorry I’ve left you hanging, sweet friend.

      I think YOU of all people get me the most in this respect, honey. Your words just resonate inside of me so much and I think it’s because we are sister-souls in this feeling trapped thing. You hit it completely on the head: how can we feel so trapped in something that we actually love? Alas, we do.

      The thing that I’ve learned is this: “feeling trapped” is just a feeling and it points to thoughts about being trapped. Thoughts are not always true. Are we in fact really trapped? NO! We can walk away from any and all of our choices, if we want to (providing our bodies are in a place to propel us away). We are not trapped. We sometimes believe our thoughts about being trapped, but thoughts are just thoughts. In this case, they are not real.

      We feel trapped in our choices because it would be incredibly uncomfortable to change our choices in some cases. BUT, we are not trapped. Ever. We are free. Always. Free to choose. Free to change. Free to come and go.

      I say this to myself every day and yes, all while still feeling trapped. But, it does help me to remember that I can walk away. What I’m pushing against is being an adult and being honest and being responsible for the choices I have made and the desire for other choices. Sigh. Being an adult really sucks sometimes. LOL!

      Sis, thank you so much for reminding me that I am not alone. Your words reach me in such a core place and honestly, you are just so healing to me and other people. Your power, sis, extends way beyond your physical body. You are a power-plant, honey. It means so much to me that you pray for me and send me healing vines. I do the same for you, darling. When will we meet in the physical? I’ve been thinking that we should stage a massive meetup somewhere and invite all of our blog buddies to come and hang out for a day. Would that be a total blast or WHAT?!

      I love you, Joanna. Hugs and kisses, Lizzy

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s