Today, I learned that a wonderful, sweet, funny, and amazing friend of mine, Matt, passed away several days ago. I found out by way of a Facebook post, which is super weird. Like, that’s how we all communicate now. That’s how you find out good and bad news. That’s how you learn of events in people’s lives. No one calls anyone any more. We post to Facebook.
When I saw the message, it was like something unseen came up and punched me right in the heart chakra. It literally took my breath away. I held my phone, staring at the screen, re-reading the words, with an open mouth, and then hot, huge tears blasted out of me. I’m in shock. My heart hurts so badly right now. My body is shaking. I’m anxious, cold to the bone, and so, so utterly sad. Matt is gone.
I believe that Matt had a plan, that he followed the plan, and left when he was done with this incarnation. He was done. He left planet. Even though he and his partner Travis had just gotten married in Hawaii. Even though he regularly gifted the world with the biggest laugh, the biggest heart, and the deepest warmth that I have ever experienced from another human being. Even though he was divinely happy with his life, lived it to the hilt, traveled with his husband all over the world, drank fine wine, ate awesome food, and lived like none other. He left. YOUNG.
I believe that we choose our day and time of death. I believe that our souls are eternal. I believe that you never kill energy, and at the core of it, we are energy beings in bodies for but a short time. I believe in an afterlife. I believe that we live many, many times. I find no conflict inside of me for holding these beliefs and imbuing them with loads of thought and emotion despite not really knowing.
Yes, at bottom, I’m agnostic, but I love believing what I believe. I love imagining that there is a God/Goddess (or many of them) and that they care about humanity and our expansion. I love feeling how my beliefs feel inside of my mind and body. I love searching for answers to things that have no answers.
But, no matter how much I read, study, delve into, and process my beliefs, no matter how comfy I get myself in any given moment with death, it truly makes no sense to me at all. I cannot fathom that a body lays down and is animated no more, the spirit leaves, the body decays. I cannot wrap my mind around it. I have meditated on death, read about it, felt it inside of me, held little birds in my hands that crashed into my windows, and watched them take their last breath despite the high frequency energy I was offering to them. I have devoted hours of satsang to death in order to fully arrive at the truth of it and accept it. But, I cannot. I cannot accept death. Death is unknowable, untraceable, and unacceptable.
Well, I accept that it happens. But what effs with me is why now? Why do we leave when we leave? Why did Matt leave when everything was right and well and good in his life? Why now? Why didn’t I get to see him or hug him one last time? Why did he leave Travis like this? Why, why, why, why, why? Maybe it’s my ginormous ego that refuses to really look at death and open to it. Probably. I dunno.
Matt, if you’re reading this, feeling this, hearing my heart, know how much you added to my life just by being here, by being my friend, by living so fully and richly when you were here. Know how much love and joy you radiated, how much like the sun you were in others’ lives. For, you, my dear friend, were so bright, so warm, and so healing to others. You touched many, many people in your line of work and travels, people who are now pouring their love out to you and Travis by way of their posts on Facebook, people who are thinking about you, crying over the loss of you, and remembering you. I want to believe that you know all of this and are taking in just how lovely you were in this life and reveling in the mark that you made on this world. Honey, there will never be another one like you. My heart is so full of love for the journey that you let all of us share in and experience with you. I love you, Matt. See you around, my friend. I hope.