Death Really Messes Me Up

Today, I learned that a wonderful, sweet, funny, and amazing friend of mine, Matt, passed away several days ago. I found out by way of a Facebook post, which is super weird. Like, that’s how we all communicate now. That’s how you find out good and bad news. That’s how you learn of events in people’s lives. No one calls anyone any more. We post to Facebook.

When I saw the message, it was like something unseen came up and punched me right in the heart chakra. It literally took my breath away. I held my phone, staring at the screen, re-reading the words, with an open mouth, and then hot, huge tears blasted out of me. I’m in shock. My heart hurts so badly right now. My body is shaking. I’m anxious, cold to the bone, and so, so utterly sad. Matt is gone.


Travis and Matt

I believe that Matt had a plan, that he followed the plan, and left when he was done with this incarnation. He was done. He left planet. Even though he and his partner Travis had just gotten married in Hawaii. Even though he regularly gifted the world with the biggest laugh, the biggest heart, and the deepest warmth that I have ever experienced from another human being. Even though he was divinely happy with his life, lived it to the hilt, traveled with his husband all over the world, drank fine wine, ate awesome food, and lived like none other. He left. YOUNG.

I believe that we choose our day and time of death. I believe that our souls are eternal. I believe that you never kill energy, and at the core of it, we are energy beings in bodies for but a short time. I believe in an afterlife. I believe that we live many, many times. I find no conflict inside of me for holding these beliefs and imbuing them with loads of thought and emotion despite not really knowing.

Yes, at bottom, I’m agnostic, but I love believing what I believe. I love imagining that there is a God/Goddess (or many of them) and that they care about humanity and our expansion. I love feeling how my beliefs feel inside of my mind and body. I love searching for answers to things that have no answers.

ocean_unsplashBut, no matter how much I read, study, delve into, and process my beliefs, no matter how comfy I get myself in any given moment with death, it truly makes no sense to me at all. I cannot fathom that a body lays down and is animated no more, the spirit leaves, the body decays. I cannot wrap my mind around it. I have meditated on death, read about it, felt it inside of me, held little birds in my hands that crashed into my windows, and watched them take their last breath despite the high frequency energy I was offering to them. I have devoted hours of satsang to death in order to fully arrive at the truth of it and accept it. But, I cannot. I cannot accept death. Death is unknowable, untraceable, and unacceptable. 

Well, I accept that it happens. But what effs with me is why now? Why do we leave when we leave? Why did Matt leave when everything was right and well and good in his life? Why now? Why didn’t I get to see him or hug him one last time? Why did he leave Travis like this? Why, why, why, why, why? Maybe it’s my ginormous ego that refuses to really look at death and open to it. Probably. I dunno.

Matt, if you’re reading this, feeling this, hearing my heart, know how much you added to my life just by being here, by being my friend, by living so fully and richly when you were here. mattKnow how much love and joy you radiated, how much like the sun you were in others’ lives. For, you, my dear friend, were so bright, so warm, and so healing to others. You touched many, many people in your line of work and travels, people who are now pouring their love out to you and Travis by way of their posts on Facebook, people who are thinking about you, crying over the loss of you, and remembering you. I want to believe that you know all of this and are taking in just how lovely you were in this life and reveling in the mark that you made on this world. Honey, there will never be another one like you. My heart is so full of love for the journey that you let all of us share in and experience with you. I love you, Matt. See you around, my friend. I hope.


19 thoughts on “Death Really Messes Me Up

  1. mariner2mother

    My heart breaks for you. And it’s exactly because we are in this human body with the veil holding tight that we grieve. I have no doubt that when Matt is able, he’ll be in touch with you to confirm his love for you, to remind you he’s with you, and perhaps to even answer “why now.”

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Susan-love, How the heck did I miss replying to your beyond-sweet comment here? Goodness gracious. Some weeks it’s all I can do to keep my head on. 😉 I so appreciate you, your wonderful emails, your delightful insights, and your near-constant support of me and my journey here, honey. You add so much light and love to my life. I’m so, so, so lucky…Thank you, love…

  2. Fat Bottom Girl

    That was a beautiful tribute Liz, and made me feel what a truly amazing gift he was to you and all who knew him. Peace and love to you my fat bottomed sister.

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Oh, my FatBottom girlfriend,
      Thank you so much for coming by and leaving your sweet words here and leaving some of your gorgeous, loving, and beautiful heart here with me. I wish you could have known Matt in life. He was (and is) truly so special. He would have cracked you up. This man has the loudest and funniest laugh you could ever hear. He laughed from the depths of his soul and lived completely “on”. I adore him. I also adore YOU, sis.
      Big Hugs and Love, Lizzy

  3. NowICanEatCake

    I am SO sorry, Lizzie. My heart is so heavy for your loss babe. I don’t even know this man and my heart just aches…big tears are just streaming from my eyes right now. I’m a hot freaking mess. Know that you are loved and thought of and prayed for during this difficult time. I don’t know why people go when they do…my little boy went when he was just 10 years old. Be assured that there IS a plan and purpose even thought we don’t understand it. Big hugs and TONS of love coming your way gorgeous!! XOXO

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Ohhh, sweet sister, Thank you soooo much for this beyond kind message and the love that’s infusing it. You are the sweetest person, honey. I love you gobs and gobs. You would have LOVED Matt. He laughed more than anything and was always happy, always fully alive, and so, so kind and intelligent. He cracked me up all of the time. I love knowing that Matt is now free and can come and go at will, experience all of the his soul’s plan, all of God’s plan, and know deeply just how much he added to others’ lives and hearts. I know that I’ll see him again someday and we’ll have many laughs together again. I’ll be sure to invite you to our party, honey. I love you, sis. Sooo much!

  4. MELewis

    Lizzy, I feel your pain. There is no sense in any of this. Some of us go out on a high, when our lives are soaring. Others never even get to take off. Some fizzle out old after years of misery. There is no rhyme or reason. There is only the present moment, the eternal present, and the joy we feel and bring to others. I wish there was something more, a current of sense. If there is I haven’t found it. I am so sorry for the loss of your dear friend. I hope you can find peace and acceptance in his memory. He was an original, just like you. xx

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Ohhh…honey, Lily Lau! What a dear person you are! Thank you soooo much for saying that, my new friend. You just made me smile big and huge and the best part is that by thinking and saying you want to hug me and be hugged back, we just did! That’s how cool spirit is, honey. Our thoughts and energy travel to others in every case. I’m 100% positive that Matt appreciates your kind words, too, sis. Thank you so much. ❤ Big, warm, and sweet hugs to you, honey!

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Awww…Thank you, my sweet wind-sister! My other friend, Susan contacted Matt and he gave me some information about why he left now and what his plans are. I’m super sad that he’s not in physical any more, no question. I do, however, feel much, much better knowing that he was working to a bigger plan and did what he came here to do for this particular life. I believe that I’ll see him again and we will share many more laughs together. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts here, sis. Means so much to me. How’s that new bike doing? 🙂

      1. LB

        I’m so glad you feel a measure of peace, then. I’m riding as much as I can (usually on Sundays for awhile) but this campaign for Delegate and my “real” job are keeping me on two feet more than I like 🙂

      2. BigLizzy Post author

        Awww..thanks, LB. Sounds like you’re doing your best to manage your hectic workload and still have fun. I like it. I hope we get a chance to ride together sometime, sis. 🙂

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Hi, dear Dan Hoger! Thanks for stopping by, my friend. I appreciate your sentiments greatly. I miss Matt. It is a process. But, it’s shifted already and greatly. No looking back. I just push forward believing that I will see him again. And, in the interim, Matt can hear all of my thoughts. He’s still here; I can feel him. That gives me such peace. Thank you for your warmth and sweetness, brother. Big, warm hugs to you!

  5. Mél@nie

    lRIP… la seule consolation: all our loved ones who have left us – suddenly or slowly, do continue to be present in our hearts – in spite of their painful absence… peace, love and serenity, dear Lizzy… ❤

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Melanie, You are so right, darling. It’s true. They do live on forever inside of us and in our souls. We will see our friends, pets, and loved-ones again someday. Thank you for stopping by and leaving your little packet of light and love here, sweet friend! I’ve missed you. I need to get back to your playground and check out what you’re up to! Bises, sweet girl.

  6. mariner2mother

    Lizzy-Poo, I just re-read this and the love that Matty holds for you is so huge, I’m sitting here in tears. Know that he is with you ALWAYS. If you need him, just think of him. It’s your direct line to him and to the other side. His mission was complete (as hard as that is for us humans to understand). And you know he’ll be there front and center to greet you when you join the other side in a very long time. Very long. You still have much to do in this world, and you’re rocking it. Rocking and rolling it. Chin up babe. He so loves you. (And yes, this basically came from him).


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