Put the Needle In

I’m an addict. I freely admit it. I’ve had this problem for a very long time. Um, lifetimes. I’ve struggled and battled with a pervasive, all-encompassing urge, a hot need inside of me that feels larger than the sun.  When I rest my head, it’s there whispering through me, easing me to sleep, asking me to give myself over to it. When I wake up, it’s there softly chanting in my blood, singing from the edges of my consciousness, pulling me into another day of deep feeling and longing.

Every face I peer into tells me about this desire of mine. I see it in other people’s eyes, I can taste it from the air around them. Every time I stop for a few moments, the tingle of this thing washes through my body, stirs my mind. It’s an invocation, an asking from my highest self. It’s a relentless voice at the core of me, asking…asking.

I’ve tried (unsuccessfully) to push past it, brush it aside, ignore its plea, stay out of its way, but it always catches me. It always catches up. I’ve gone into each living day full of hope that I can beat it, that I will not make the same choices, but I know that I won’t beat it. I will choose this over and over. I won’t beat this thing. Even when I rail to the heavens and ask why I came back here to this place, I know that I’ll succumb. Again. I always do.

needle

What is this addiction of mine? Living. Despite the pain it causes. Despite the heartbreak. Despite the loss. Despite the countless, exhausting, relentless, and charmingly beautiful experiences chronicled inside of my soul (Akashic records), I come back to this loathsome, but breathtaking planet over and over and over. I’m addicted to being in a body. I’m addicted to life. I’m addicted to feelings and thoughts and other people. And, like all addictions, there are all kinds of results.

Now, before you roast me for being cavalier about addiction, which I assure you, I’m not being, and have had my struggles with (work addiction, anyone?), hear me out. In my belief system, we humans plan lots and lots of details about each life we enter into before we get here. We sit in a classroom of sorts, with our guides, and choose core parameters around each life and the lessons on which we hope to work for each incarnation. We do not plan down to the minutia, but we place high-level markers in our path for specific lessons that we want to “advance” or “master” in a particular lifetime. We place agreements with other souls, in our plan, so that these people will come into our path and work with us on advancing. Yes, we make agreements with the so-called “good” people and the “bad”. We invite all of it.

We control lots of aspects of living before we live yet again. And, then we come in, hit some of the markers, live the experiences, and do our work of advancing as souls. None of life experience is “bad”. None of the stuff we do is “wrong”, nor for that matter is any of it “right”; it just is. We come in, live the plan (roughly) or deviate from it wildly, in some cases, and gain from it all. Our consciousness expands and grows and ripens with each experience. All of life experience serves us on a soul level. And, we ask for all of it, even the bad stuff.

When we are out of bodies, it all makes perfect sense, this pain, this torture, life’s hardships, and the joys. When we are in bodies and solely focusing from within an incarnation, however, life sucks so bad at times, we hate ourselves and every living thing on the planet. We struggle. We are stunned, injured, happy, depressed, angry, joyous, sad. Life hurts. Bad. Life is also excruciatingly gorgeous, heady, and beautiful. But, it hurts more than it is beautiful, in my experiences.

So, how does all of this relate to addiction? Ha, glad you asked. I, my friends, am addicted to life. I’m addicted to coming in here and going another round. I’m a classic “A-type-overachiever-perfectionist.” And, I know that these traits are core to my soul signature like I know that I have a physical face. I know that I choose really difficult lifetimes so I can advance “faster” but in so doing, I make myself pretty damn miserable. Alot. For, like, lifetimes.

How do I know this? My guides gave me the entire “download” one day as I sat talking about life lessons and reincarnation with my bestie. Behind my eyes, without warning, I saw a vision of me, an amorphous blob of soul sitting at a table, pouring over my records, and saying with a childlike exuberance:

“Oooo…ooo! I know! I’ll come in and be abused. YES! That’s what I’ll do. My mother will be a monster and she’ll help me work on trust, so let’s mark that down. I’ll then have incest experiences with a psychotic/sociopathic stepfather and my narcissistic brother and then, oooo!! I’ll be raped at age 12 and then go anorexic! Yes. THEN! I’ll have an abusive first husband and after that, I’ll get really fat and be workaholic and try to work myself to death at a young age…”

Yep, the entire thing played out for me in my third eye in a hot flash. I knew it was the truth because I heavily edit my “psychic ability” and ordinarily do not let things like this through. But, it busted through my firewall like nobody’s business. I “saw it” all before I could clamp down on it. And, then, I started laughing so hard because in that moment, I got total clarity. That moment led to others in which I was able to then see the decisions that I made and take utter responsibility for my path, my pain, my problems, my choices. It also led me to deeper understanding of my wiring, in this life and many, many others.

So, here’s the truth: I load up my plate with all kinds of pain and hardship before I get here and then when I get here, I bitch about the choices that I made in my planning. I bitch about how my life if going because it hurts. It’s true. I get here and forget that I’m eternal. I get here and I forget that all of “life” is an illusion and the real stuff is what happens outside of life (and in the soul). Life is just a play that is playing out on a stage of my own creation and I can change every aspect of it or none of it. I get here and forget that no matter what choices I make, I am loved beyond measure. We all are, by the way. I get here and complain that “life is too hard” or “my body hurts too much” or “that person is disrespectful” or, “why do I keep coming back here” or a real biggie for me, “I can’t advance fast enough”.

Shit, man. I am so good at bellyaching. And, this complaining that I do keeps me in victim mode. So, the first few steps in changing this pattern is to accept that I’m addicted to living, embrace that I’m getting what I need from my lifetimes, no matter how challenging they are, and writing this blog post to tell on myself. I want to accept that I am a spiritual being having physical experiences and that I will reincarnate, out of choice, not force. I want to stop pushing against my spirit guides, stop threatening them for sending me back here. I want to stop pushing against my psychic ability, my true nature. I want to embrace my lives and extract every ounce of precious learning that I can and I want to be okay with the pain. Truly okay with it.

In 2012, I got really, really sick: lung embolisms, a huge clot in my right leg (due to birth control pills), severe anemia, gallbladder loss, an ablation to my uterus, surgery for a filter to be placed in my vena cava, then an unsuccessful surgery to remove the filter seven weeks later (on and on). It was a crazy few months. I think part of that journey was a planned “way out” for me, a window that I worked in prior to getting here where I could “pop out” if I wanted to. Part of me didn’t want to face the rest of my work, even more work, the hard stuff that I’m now actively doing. But, I chose to stay. I’m still here.

I’m not afraid of dying. I mean, I have moments where it kinda freaks me out, but I have a strong sense that I’ve lived before and I’ll live again. I have this sense because I’m so close to the veil between here and there. I’m so close to the Other Side that “death” doesn’t scare me. What scares me is reincarnating again and going through this crap again and being in physical and emotional pain again.

A psychologist friend of mine, Robert, said to me recently (when I was… yes, you guessed it, bitching) “You’ll stop incarnating when you no longer care that you do”. Ha! Son of a… Ahhhh…the sweet truth, in a tidy little package of delicate little words, from a guru. God, how I love that man. Anyway, yes. he’s right. When I embrace my addiction to living, have gotten everything I need from it, come back here just to serve others, and question not what creator sends me in to do, then and only then will I no longer come back and face ever-grueling, painful, but illuminating and precious life in a body.

So, from the bottom of my bottomless soul, I say to each of you: “Hi, I’m Elizabeth H. ‘Liz’ Casey, aka, BigLizzy, and I am an addict”.

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19 thoughts on “Put the Needle In

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Pua Nani-darling!! Thank you so, so much for coming over, sweetness. I love when my words live inside of you; it’s the best feeling ever, sis. XOXO

      Reply
  1. hamletc1602

    You are such a wise and courageous woman Elizabeth! Thanks for sharing your insights. I have come to believe that the purpose of life is to find meaning in it. I hope I can have such an epiphany some day.

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Dearest Hamletc1602, my friend, wiser words have never been spoken. The purpose of life is to find meaning. You are a guru, sweetie. You are. Your intelligence, heart, softness, wit, and consciousness is a gift to every person on this planet. I’m so lucky to have you and your wife in my life, honey. ❤

      Reply
  2. SilverGirl

    Hello gorgeous Lizzie!!
    Love what you’ve written and can soooo relate..
    It looks like we’ve carried through a similar painful pattern and life to heal :o) I’m def. not a workaholic though… more a sit on the couch and dwell-deeply-a-holic!

    Saying it’s a hard life is actually an understatement – mine’s been so shitty that I would have gladly ‘returned home’ and traded it in for an easier one, but I don’t believe choosing an easier one was an option. Like you mentioned I think we choose them based on some way to push ourselves to ‘heal’ so we can have way less painful lives in the future.

    I think we love being in body rather than just in spirit, because we have experiences in a body that you just can’t have in spirit form, and that’s why we return over and over. We can touch, and taste and cry and experience life – great ups and great downs… we are also challenged..

    We can be here and have a great life, we can live your dreams but first we need to confront our shadow sides, and these shadow aspects we have carried down through our many many previous painful past-lives.

    History repeats itself.. until you change it.

    So if you been abused in this life… sure enough you’ve been abused in your past lives too – maybe for thousands of years…
    And all your future lives will be painful too until you change, by overcoming your greatest challenges and fears (confronting your shadow aspect). This brings about healing on an emotional, physical and soul level and allows you to start living your highest potential. (Strangely enough living our ‘highest potential’ is one of the greatest fears of most people and it’s meant to be the greatest joy!)..

    I’d love to tell you more and give you examples of how these patterns are rolled over and how we can change them – I can ‘read’ people’s archetypes (roles they play) and ‘see’ their past-lives and potential futures – but I would take up too much space in this already loooong comment :o)

    We all have uniquely awesome gifts to help others just waiting to be accessed.

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      SilverGirl! Ohhh…sweetie. Your words here take my breath away, honey. I agree 150% with EVERYTHING you shared here, you delicious beast! I’ve now read your comments five times and LOVE the way your words “ping” inside of my body. I can feel all of this inside of me and it’s all buoyant and life-giving and right. Confronting the shadow aspect is the work, babe. I soooooo get this on a cellular level. Couldn’t agree more. You’ve given me a meal here, babe. You’ve given me so, so much here. I’m swimming in it and laughing now. I LOVE YOU, sis. Thank you so much. ❤

      Reply
      1. SilverGirl

        What a lovely reply x – I was really worried my long comment had overstepped the mark..

        There is something else I believe and that is, anything that is ‘love-based’ gets systematically attacked (historically) by what is fear-based on this planet.

        The balance between love and fear, light and dark, what is good and what is evil is always being played out here and i think always will be.

        So if you carry a lot of good, God and love in you, you will have many attacks/ abuse in your life/ life- times by the darkside’s in others..

        * That is until you learn the lessons of ‘owning your own power’

        Here are but a mere handful of those bloody hard earned lessons :o).. I know you will relate..

        Stop hiding, remember who you are, reach out for ‘like minded’ people, build ‘bursting to the brim’ self love, self respect and self esteem, own your shit, love all but ‘take no shit’, heal your deeply embedded fears (that are now irrelevant) from your past-lives, own and heal your shadow aspects …get stronger (mentally, physically and emotionally), forgive those that are weak – remember you were weak once too… get clearer, get balanced, remove yourself from those unhealthy people from your past (and from your past-lives) – boy, do they linger – let them GO with love!! (they too will grow in time – they may even catch up)… trust yourself, trust your gut, handle stress in healthy ways, stay in the ‘now’, stay positive, have faith … and finally own your gifts and start your work (your own little special piece of bringing love, healing and balance back to this often crazy but beautiful world).

        Healing, helping and loving one person at a time … starting with yourself.

        This lifetime is going to be a game changer xx

      2. BigLizzy Post author

        SilverGirl,

        Can I please clone you and keep you? Goddess, your words are so delicious. I mean it. You speak from the soul, babe and my insides just light up at your words, your truth, THE truth. I completely agree with you.

        Yes, the love-based does get attacked here by the fear-based. Hoooooahh…what a way to put it, sugar. Do you wanna write a blog post for BBB? I would LOVE that, mommy. seriously. Please consider putting all of this into a post and wrapping it around the role of the body in all of this realization. I would be over the moon if you would. 🙂

        Your words: “Stop hiding, remember who you are, reach out for ‘like minded’ people, build ‘bursting to the brim’ self love, self respect and self esteem, own your shit, love all but ‘take no shit’, heal your deeply embedded fears (that are now irrelevant) from your past-lives, own and heal your shadow aspects …get stronger (mentally, physically and emotionally), forgive those that are weak – remember you were weak once too… get clearer, get balanced, remove yourself from those unhealthy people from your past (and from your past-lives) – boy, do they linger – let them GO with love!! (they too will grow in time – they may even catch up)… trust yourself, trust your gut, handle stress in healthy ways, stay in the ‘now’, stay positive, have faith … and finally own your gifts and start your work (your own little special piece of bringing love, healing and balance back to this often crazy but beautiful world). Healing, helping and loving one person at a time … starting with yourself.
        This lifetime is going to be a game changer”

        are LITERALLY making me cry with joy, appreciation, and love. You SO GET IT! I’m just so blessed to have angels all over the place who remind me of what I already know. How I love you, sis! Thank you, a million-zillion times, thank you. ❤

  3. Frances D

    That post was like a helicopter ride over a high mountain with random quick deeps into deep valleys. I could hardly breathe at times. My heart cried in my chest when I read how sick you were in 2012. Embracing you even though we are mega miles apart. Shanti

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Frances, my delicious, yummy soul-sister.
      I know, right?! I feel the same way when I re-taste these words. It’s so apt to describe this post as a helicopter ride. YES! I love your heart and soul so much. I love that you can get here with me and feel it all inside of you and your gorgeous body. I love that you and I have a bond that transcends the physical. I love that we’ll get to meet soon. I love the thought of looking into your eyes over a cup of coffee and giggling about the weirdness of life. There’s more, but that pretty-much sums it up. Loving you so much, sis…<3

      Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Ridicuryder, HA! God, dude. I just love you so freaking much. I snorted my coffee. Note to self: Do not read comments from my wind-brother while sipping java. It hurts! Yes, this shit is kinda fun, especially the riding at 90-mph down a hot, dry road and giggling at the rush. Yeah, I bitch alot, but I so love this shit. 🙂 And, you. I love you.

      Reply
  4. mariner2mother

    I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out because you just wrote my story, almost exactly:
    “Oooo…ooo! I know! I’ll come in and be abused. YES! That’s what I’ll do.” Yup. Same as me.
    “My mother will be a monster and she’ll help me work on trust, so let’s mark that down.” Check!
    “I’ll then have incest experiences with a psychotic/sociopathic stepfather and my narcissistic brother and then, oooo!! I’ll be raped at age 12 and then go anorexic!” My story differs only slightly here because it was one of my brothers who repeatedly raped me from 12 – 14, until it was found out when I was about 5 months pregnant. And it was my childhood best friend who has some sort of narcissistic personality disorder. My Dad, fortunately, was a kind and good man. But I’ve had a lifetime of food addiction and self-loathing, and boundary issues. I dabbled with testing out other addictions: alcohol and sex, but they didn’t become addictions. Also fortunately, I never dated anyone dangerous or abusive.

    Sometimes I’m just so tired of being in a physical body that I can’t wait to get back “home.” It’s 3 steps forward and one or two or three steps back. And then something changes and things are ok and even better than ok. I’ve experienced true miracles, and am really ready for another right about now.

    You write so amazingly beautifully. Love you bunches Lizzy Babe!!

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Susan, my sweet friend and love,

      This surprises me not in the least. You are one of my true sisters; we are from the same tribe, honey. The fact that you and I have such parallels in our lives is amazing, but really not so shocking if I really sit and think about it.

      Your statement: “Sometimes I’m just so tired of being in a physical body that I can’t wait to get back ‘home.'” Goddess, you so, so describe how I feel on a weekly basis, but then I remember the light in a particular person’s eyes and how when he walks in the room, my insides turn to jelly, or I remember snippets of a poem that shocked through me and tore into the world and moved planets inside and outside of me and caused feeling, sweet, deep feeling. Or, I remember a touch on my hand that sent me into spasms of joy and adoration. Then, I’m “back!” LOL! But, yes, I get it so deeply, honey.

      I believe that you and I made an agreement to meet at this time and bolster each other, surprise each other, support each other, and understand on a DNA-level what it means to hurt, really hurt and suffer, and then transcend it all. I can only get “there” by way of you and your example, honey. You are the biggest gift to me.

      All of my friends here are the biggest gifts. You all hold parts of my soul for me to accept and reclaim. I cannot express the level of gratitude and appreciation I have inside of me for the work you have agreed to do here on earth this time and in all the other lives. Sis, you bring such soul, such love to every living second. And, it is I who benefits from your decisions to be present and whole. My love for you knows no restraint. I owe you so much…

      Reply
      1. mariner2mother

        You don’t know how much your words are helping me today. Seven weeks ago, my doctor decided that I should stop taking hormonal support in the form of birth control pills. For the past two or so weeks, my body has been going on a rapid decline of stability and balance, and so has my brain. I am taking Chinese herbs to help, but I haven’t been taking a big enough dose. Who the eff wants to take 6 capsules on top of another bunch of vitamins and supplements? So for the past few days I’ve been raging all over the place and it really sucks. Thank the guides and spirits they finally gave me an epiphany last night, tipping me off that it’s hormones. Before that I didn’t know. I can see why people have used hormonal rage as a defense strategy in court; I was ready to drop kick my 180 lb. kid through a thousand dollar plate glass window this morning. Cowboying up and gonna take every dose of herbs to see if that helps.

      2. BigLizzy Post author

        Susan, sweetheart!

        Hooooh, boy. First of all, babe. You are doing all the right stuff. You know this. The rage is totally normal. It is hormones! Hormones and stress, baby.

        I thought I had a bad temper before. HA! My menopausal rage is, like, completely nuclear. It burns so hot, so fast, and so fierce, I’m sure I’m courting divorce at the moment and cannot blame my husband in the least for it. It’s INSANE! Like PMS times 100. I want to kill every living thing in sight at times. I want to ride off and never come back. Then, I manage to laugh and talk my “inner Viking” into putting the sword down.

        But, holy shit, your words are so, so familiar to me. Thank you for sharing, honey. You help so many people by openly talking about what is happening. I love this. I mean, I kinda dislike that you are going through this, but I know it all serves us and it will be a way for you and I to get clear. I love that aspect.

        My words are your words. My heart is your heart, sis. So, reach out any time. I will always fluff your wings, babe. And, you do the very same thing for me. ❤

      3. mariner2mother

        Just wanted to let you know that I’ve been diligent about my herbs and am feeling much better. Took less than 2 days. I also found out from a friend that the energies right now are making life very challenging. Seeing it in my son, struggling more than usual the past few days. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. Love you buckets!!!

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