Becoming Empty

All of my life, I’ve been seeking something that has consistently and near-completely eluded me; it’s something that I have written about wanting, something that sent me to meditation, yoga, religion, and long bouts of solitude; it’s something that I’ve ardently chased, held in my mind as evidence of a life well-lived, and dearly craved, but it continues to elude me. As soon as I’ve gotten it in my sights, tip-toed toward it with an eager heart, and watched the light dancing off of its shiny hide, it has always bolted away with a puff of air and I’m left in a daze, wondering what the hell just happened.

What is this thing that I’ve wanted so desperately and which gets away from me every time?

PEACE.

ocean_re-size

Compliments of http://unsplash.com/

Peace has eluded me. Or, I guess, in order to take full responsibility, I ought to say that I have not chosen peace. I have not chosen rest. I have not chosen serenity in this life, all things that I claim to want. Oh, I’ve certainly had moments of peace, but largely, my life has been a sh*t-storm of activity, drive, action, fire, feeling, and momentous energy.

For example, I’ve worked 80 to 90-hour weeks for the last 24 years. I’ve started three companies and run them, single-handed. I’ve written a book and been published lots of times in magazines, newspapers, and poetry periodicals. I’ve worked two and three jobs simultaneously. Hell, I survived a horrendous childhood, went through years of therapy, and have largely eclipsed the pain and horror in which I was immersed. I’ve worked and worked and worked and worked. I’ve had little peace.

In the midst of the firestorm that is my daily existence, I have deeply yearned, begged, and wished for peace. Just a little. Peace from my relentless thoughts, my fire-temper, my passions, my ego, my intellect, my libido, my exhaustive, constant, and voracious emotions. On and on and on. But, sweet peace flits away with its serene countenance, inscrutable expression, and captivating secrets.

OK. It’s time for a deep, restful breath, time to gently wipe away the angst, draw myself up, suck in some delicious oxygen, and become empty. My ego protests: “But, HOW? You’ve never been able to do this. You can’t do it. It’s futile!” To which I smile, pat my ego on the head, and say “Relax, dear. All we’re going to do is nothing for part of each day. We’re going to sit and do nothing.”waterlilly

Becoming empty has to be the way toward peace for me because it’s the last thing my ego wants me to do and maybe the only thing that I have not tried. Granted, I’m writing all of this on the brink of taking on even more projects so this is going to be a real challenge for me, but I have to try. I have to become empty. I have to let go. This means: Work less. Push less. Do less. Share less. Grasp less. Added to this: I have to sit still. Stay centered. Stay inward. Stay silent. Stay present. Breath more. Rest more.

Simple, right?

What can I learn from becoming empty? What can I hope to accomplish? What will it do for me? These questions are thrown out on their ears. It doesn’t matter. Guess what? All that matters is:

  • Sweet, suspended moments where I’m still, staying present in my body, feeling the contours of my chair or standing solidly in my legs.
  • Moments where I’m pulling in my core, not projecting myself outward to others, pulling in, pulling in, pulling in, holding, breathing, feeling the thoughts and emotions softly float through me and then not attaching to them, letting them go.
  • What matters is emptying my mind, emptying my body, draining my stress into the receiving earth, opening my rib cage, flushing energy up or down and then out.

Where will I land? Will I buy a house in Peaceville? I don’t know. But, at this moment in time. I want to want nothing. I want to want stillness. I want to want emptiness. I want peace and then, I want to stop wanting it. 🙂

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7 thoughts on “Becoming Empty

  1. mariner2mother

    Peace is a wonderful thing to strive for, and even better to attain. I have found that with the work I’ve been doing on myself, I have a ton more peace inside. I don’t know if you are familiar with Jen of Jenuine Healing, but she is very intuitive and uses tapping to facilitate healing sessions. I have never worked with her, but I’ll put a link to her FB page on your FB page. Check her out. I’m impressed with her.

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Susan-sweetie,

      Thank you so much for stopping by and sending the good vibes and a link to Jen. I did go check her out. Very interesting! TY!

      I have to admit that my life is way more peaceful now than in days of yore, despite the crazy hours that I still work. I have been steadily pulling back and, of course, doing some of the same healing and inner work that you are doing. It very much does make a difference! I’m getting there and will get there or die trying. Heh heh.

      I love you so much, sis. When I see your cool, happy, and wonderful photos on Facebook, I smile the entire day. I can feel the gorgeous luminosity of your life and all I can say is thank you so much for being on planet and doing what you do. You are a gift to us all.

      XOXO

      Reply
  2. MELewis

    I love this post. Solitude – the peace and quiet of just being – is something I’ve learned that I need on a daily basis. Which is hard to achieve when you have a job, a family and a life. Sure, you can put those needs on the back burner for a while, but it is denying yourself so much. Lately I’ve gotten very selfish in this department and it is doing me a world of good. So, Lizzy my friend, I think you’re on a very good track here. Bonne continuation! Big bises xx

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Oh, Mel,

      Thank you. Sweet friend.

      You are so, so right. I love what you wrote here; it gives me such a gentle, calm, flowing, wonderful, deep body breath right now.

      I adore that you are making peace and solitude a part of your daily ritual. I can so *see* you in my mind’s eye with a cup of tea, a good book, light filtering in from the window, the sounds of the French street gently blossoming up, and a deeply satisfied smile on your face. What a gift you are!

      We do have to stake our claim and give this to ourselves and not equivocate about it. Thank you for the encouragement here, honey. I sometimes forget that I’m doing the best that I can, given my programming and it’s a good thing to learn how to encourage myself and realize how far I’ve come. I’m way too hard on myself sometimes.

      Thank you, my darling Frenchy-friend. You are my model. I’m so lucky! Big kisses to you, too!!

      Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Thank you, dear Anastasia-sweetie. I’ve been pretty buried for the last few days and have been remiss in coming over and thanking you for this lovely award! TY! ❤

      Reply

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