Orgasms are Overrated

Yeah, I said it. As I slide inexorably into menopause, I’ve had to re-set my expectations when it comes to being sexual. And, to be honest, I’ve come to this place kicking and screaming, (which, since I’m being honest, in the old days, would have been a part of the “nasty-dance” itself sometimes. Hahahahahahaha! Kidding!)

I like sex. I like the big O. I like my body. I like other people’s bodies. All of my life, I’ve had a vigorous, healthy appetite and when I was young, I never lacked for willing partners. Yep, I was a busy girl and unabashedly so. Young and intensely physical, I really liked connecting on a body level and being athletic. Sex was always a great means of experiencing my physicality and connection with others.

BUT, it’s all a strange terrain now, my lovelies. Previously highly O-gasmic and ready to go whenever and wherever, I’m now stuck in a foreign land where I speak not one word of the local language; I’m Iost in unfamiliar twists and turns, dead-end alleys, and set-backs. I’m now in a realm where the slightest little thing (the cat jumping on the bed, thoughts in my head, a sneeze) will derail my O-train. **Sigh** This sucks (and not in a good way). LOL!

Yeah. I one of those women now. Oh. God. I’m not ready to be beat-to-poop by my endocrine system. I’m not ready for this. I’m so not ready to be old. What the frack?!

Because I’m such a highly results-driven personality and a perfectionist, I recently (and disturbingly) caught myself calculating whether it’s “worth it” to get all worked up and have no “closing ceremony,” so to speak. I’ve been assessing whether it’s worth jumping up and down on the street, waving flags, screaming, and shaking my tushy if nothing is going to “finish the parade”, as it were. This has been quite frustrating and honestly, it’s recently made me want to give up on being intimate. It started to feel like a bother.

But, then it hit me. I get to change my attitude. Instead of resisting this turn of events, I can hugsimply accept where my body is right now, accept that this is the reality at the moment, accept the change. I might not be able to address all of the stuff going on with my adrenals, but I can adjust my thinking. I can accept that it’s about the journey that my body and I are taking together right now. Bottom line, I’m being given an opportunity to stay present and make a greater emotional connection with my body and my partner. And, the really cool thing is that I’m finding a softness, a meditation of sorts, a way to be fully present in the moment and to accept life inside of a body that needs different things from me right now. I can use my and my husband’s “happy little episodes” to connect with him on a deeper (No pun! Don’t even go there!) level.

So, instead of being resentful and irritated, I shifted my perception and expectation of being intimate and changed the story that I’m telling. This is about honoring another way of being and enjoying the resulting intimacy. And, it’s been great fun. Hell, it’s fun to simply giggle and say “I wonder if I’ll get one this time?! Let’s go for it, big-boy!”

Now that I’ve taken all of the pressure off of “sticking the landing”, I’ve gone beyond seeking the O and onto the rest of the letters in the alphabet. They are very nice letters; I’m having a blast getting to know them and when I get the gift of a “big-happy-finish”, I find I’m screaming quite a few of those other letters. 🙂

What about you? Has your endocrine system been slapping you around? Do you have any tips for dealing with the change? You wanna yak about your experiences? Talk to me. 🙂

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28 thoughts on “Orgasms are Overrated

  1. love

    Oh I love this. I love your honesty! This is why I’m starting a new SECRET blog so I can talk about sex without work colleagues reading it. You go and ENJOY all those other letters 🙂 Big hugs to you ❤ ❤ ❤

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Hi, LOVE!

      So nice to hear from you, sis and thanks for the props. I so hope you consider letting me visit your top-secret blog. I promise to behave myself. LOL!

      Yeah, I know what you mean; sometimes, I cringe knowing that work colleagues can come find me. The good news is that if they do, they can’t really comment to me about what I write. LOL!

      I mostly work off-site, but if I had to be in face-to-face meetings all day, it would change my approach. It would have to. I totally get where you’re coming from on this.

      Hugs, sis. Hit me up when you create your new blog. XOXO

      Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Hi, my darling, Anastasia! Thanks for coming by and giving a read, babe. I got your email and will respond soon. I love you, sis!

      Reply
  2. mariner2mother

    Ah, this time of life. Because of monthly migraines that were lasting almost a week, and irritability that turned me into an animal, I use hormonal support. And because I’m still barely old enough to still be producing eggs, my doc put me on low dose BCP’s (birth control pills). It definitely helps. But I just don’t have the mojo to get jiggy like I used to. And apparently, neither does my hubby. I’ll admit here that when he’s away for work, I sometimes play with my pink vibrating wand of pleasure. Just for some physical fun. But more often than not, when I fall into bed at night, I’m exhausted and would rather crawl into a good book for a while.

    I love your change of perspective. Truly fabulous!

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Hi, Susan-babe!

      Gawd, what you’ve been through sounds awful, sweetness. So sorry you had all that happen. It’s a part of the process, I guess, but man, perimenopause has slammed me, too. I had a huge healing crisis in 2012 as my hormones bottomed-out. I should write about it because it’s a crazy story.

      Anyway, it sounds like you are doing the same: just holding the journey, staying in your truth, fulfilling your needs, and working your program so to speak. Thanks for sharing with us, babe. XOXO

      Reply
  3. The (Gluten-Free!) Food Gurly

    Lizzy, I sooo feel ya gurly! As you know, I went through what they call surgical menopause (actually still going through it) and it has robbed me of a lot of things…the Big ‘O’ being one of them. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I struggled a lot to begin with, but this is just ridiculous! It seems like I JUST figured it all out, and BAM, all gone… But like you said, there is plenty more fun to be had, so it’s all good ‘under the hood’ (Hahahaha) and I’m still having fun, for the most part… 😉

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Hi, Jo-Jo!!

      It’s so good hearing from you, mama. Thanks for stopping by. I so know what you mean. We are sisters. Your story is similar to mine with sexual abuse and physical/emotional limitations.

      I was lucky to get a good relationship with a very trustworthy man and he helped me through so much of the trauma from the past. And, I got years of having fun with him in, so I can’t complain. Not being able to treat my adrenals due to medicine that I’m on really bothers me, but it is what it is, eh?! Hang in there, my sweet friend.

      Reply
  4. wwsabe

    Beautiful Lizzy Bean,

    What a wonderful read on this monsoon Monday. I appreciate your writing, candor and humor! Love and miss you with all my heart. Cheers pretty lady 🙂

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Bomb-diggity!! Thank you so much for stopping by, honey. So glad this piece spoke to you. Haven’t the monsoons been the best so far? We had a nice little rain yesterday; it rained for a whole 15 minutes! I miss you, honey. Have you gotten a bike yet? Let’s ride!

      Reply
  5. deeann davis

    I hate to welcome you to the club, but……welcome to the club. It’s a bitch, girl. I wish I could offer you something positive on this subject but I haven’t found it yet myself. You just get used to it after awhile. In a few years your desire may be completely gone. Bummer, I know. 😦

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Haahhaahhaaa! I’m in the club! Whooohooooo! I know, Deeann. It’s a bitch getting old, but I’ve had my fun in life. I’ve had my share. I can shift focus and do other stuff. 🙂 Thanks for coming over, honey.

      Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      LB-baby!!! Thank you so much for the props, sis. You know me. TMI all the time!! I love ya, chick. How’s the new bike??!

      Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Ginger-babe, Hahahahahahhahaa! I know, right?! The other letters, well, they are struttin’ and dancin’ and havin’ a party, sis. Join in! Thanks for coming over and hanging out a bit. It’s always so nice to connect with you. 🙂

      Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Awwww….Kelly LawLaw!! Thank you so much, my sweet friend. So good to see you here. Your comment just made my whole week. So glad you like the writing, honey. I really do wish we lived closer. I miss OOOtah, but more than that, I miss you. ❤

      Reply
  6. beckysaysthings

    Lizzy! Long time no see! This was beautiful as always. I feel it appropriate here to use that old phrase ‘It’s the taking part that counts’ 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Becky-baby!! Awwww…I know, right?! We’ve been some busy women, eh? Love that you enjoyed this piece. Sooo agree with you about “the taking part in it” being the more important aspect. Plus, it’s fun to practice. Heh, heh. I miss you, sis. I need to head back over and stand in your sunshine for a bit. XOXO

      Reply
  7. Jen and Tonic

    LOVE your honesty, and courage in talking about these things. Historically, I haven’t dealt with change well, and kept trying to cling to what I knew. Now that I’m getting a little older, I realize that you just have to go with the current otherwise you’ll get tired of swimming against it. Things are going to be whatever they’re going to be.

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Jen and Tonic!!

      Thanks for stopping by, sis; it has been waaaaay too long since we’ve connected. I need to get my keister over to your place and catch up on your posts!

      Yeah, I know exactly what you mean about not dealing with change well. Have you experienced this– I’ll get something wrong with me and then expect to heal exactly the same way that I did in the past. I tend to think of my body as this fixed thing and forget that literally, depending on how much potassium one has had recently, for example, can affect the outcome of a healing treatment or my body’s reaction. It’s very weird thing. There is a definite chasm between my mind and my body. I’d like to bridge it someday.

      You are so wise: it is best to drop one’s hands and accept. I have never been an “A” student in acceptance. I just fight stuff and I usually prevail because I am so strong, so physical, and I have an iron will. BUT, life is slowly adjusting my attitude and behaviors on this. hahahaah!

      Well, I’m just right there with ya, chica. Thanks for your insights! XOXO

      Reply
  8. Mélanie

    ❤ excellent post, young lady! yesss to being direct, sincere, in a single word:(being) yourself!!! 🙂 my very best and cheers! Mélanie

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Mon ami, Melanie!! Bonjour, chere! So nice to see you, sweetness. Thank you for stopping by and commenting. How have you been, babe? I need to get back to your playground and catch up. It’s been a really busy few months for me. Are you well? I sure hope so. Big hugs and kisses to you, my friend. XOXO

      Reply
  9. Adri

    It’s with some trepidation and deep humility that I (as a male) step into this area, but bravo for not letting stupid social taboos against talking about anything related to women’s sexual experience prevent you from discussing this important health issue. Particularly since you do it in such a witty and entertaining fashion!

    Men and women have some different issues around sex and sexual health. If we don’t get them all out in the open and talk about them, how are we going to understand and connect with each other?

    Keep up the good work 🙂

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Oh, Adri,

      Your comments have so made my month. If only more men were like you, my friend. 🙂 If only more men AND women valued themselves enough to have open and honest conversations about their bodies, health, feelings, needs, etc. You are so right on. People need to talk about this stuff.

      This praise coming from you, such a remarkably brilliant man and writer, is truly high praise indeed. I’m so honored to be your friend. Big, warm hugs to you.

      Reply

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