Oh, Christmas BALLS!

Made you look! Hahahaha! Okay, I hate to disappoint, but this post is not going to be about, well, male genitalia. You know, the pleasing little squishy pouches that look like misshapen figs hanging below… NEVERMIND!! You get the drift.

x-mas_ornaments

No, this post is slightly off topic in that it’s not about the body as much as it’s a quick exploration of how I began to love Christmas. When I was younger, I pretty-much despised Christmas. Don’t get me wrong, I loved aspects of Christmas, you know, the gift-giving and getting, the savory foods, and my favorite- the piles of SUGARY bliss in its various manifestations! But, in my family, there was just a ton of dysfunction, tension, abuse, and, well, lots of divorces.

Between both parents, with whom I lived in alternating turns, I went through six divorces and numerous other “dissolutions of unions”. Ya, along with all of that, there was rage, sorrow, mistrust, abuse, histrionics, deceit, etc. So, we were all at each other like wolves. All of the time. And, we were supposedly Christian. You can well imagine how much of a mess it was and how confusing it was.

Being such a highly sensitive person, my childhood was, basically, pure torture. I simply couldn’t handle the dysfunction around me, nor could I take what I concluded (at around age 10) was the utter “two-faced-ness” of the season. For example, on December 24th, like every other day of the year, my older brothers would be smacking me around and basically acting like idiots, and then magically, on December 25th, they would be all-smiles and handing me gifts. Wha??! The same went for my various parents. One day, they would be fighting and screaming like banshees and then POOF! Christmas Day would roll around and everyone suddenly straightened up.

I honestly grew to despise the season and so, when I left home at 16 1/2 years of age, I was incredibly relieved to put family and Christmas behind me, forever. I went to live with a friend’s parents for a while and while they celebrated Christmas, they respected my disdain of it and didn’t shove their holiday down anyone’s throat. They left me alone to glower and grit my teeth for the month of December.

Back then, I was the Christmas Curmudgeon. I was the know-it-all philosopher who could quote large passages from Friedrich Nietzsche‘s atheistic works and took every opportunity to laud it over any Christmas revelers with whom I interacted. I was just angry, and well, bigger and smarter than any person in the room, so who was going to argue with me? I seethed. I raged. I hated. In my mind, the season of Christmas was nothing more than a commercialized, deceitful, ridiculous holiday of pure hypocrisy and rubbish. But, then, I decided to change.

When I began working on myself emotionally (with the aid of lots of therapy plus near-constant, feverish writing in my journals), and when I began dealing with my unhappiness instead of blaming others for the quality of my life, I realized something: my perceptions and feelings, while certainly understandable, were only harming me. At Christmastime, I always felt like cold crap on a sidewalk, and it was a CHOICE. I didn’t have to despise Christmas and I didn’t have to let my family’s hypocrisy and sickness envelope me or pour out of me. I didn’t have to infect my relationships with misplaced emotions. I could choose otherwise.

As I worked to heal much of the emotional damage from my early years, I began to feel better about almost everything. My life and circumstances slowly improved and I started enjoying the lights, the trees, the cold weather, and the Christmas CDs (that I had secretly been collecting) and about which I used to grouse and complain. Then, after meeting my husband, who adored Christmas and creating new memories with him, I began to love the season.

x-mas_house

So, yes, I love Christmas. I do. All of it. The songs, the spirit, the food, the energy, and heck, even the materialism. It’s all part of the gig and it’s all good. I’m proud of myself for taking ownership of my emotions, pushing past my discomfort to seek healing, and choosing to appreciate instead of holding fast to how I was damaged. I’m proud that I didn’t continue allowing my dysfunctional, painful childhood to keep me from enjoying the magic and majesty of Christmas.

May this season, regardless of your beliefs, bring you deeper peace, love, and joy, my friends. I celebrate with each of you. And, know that in the new year, we’ll grow to love our bodies even more and that we’ll do it together. Big, warm hugs to you, my friends! And, Merry Christmas!

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15 thoughts on “Oh, Christmas BALLS!

  1. Daile

    I’m glad you came to LOVE Christmas, there is surely something about this time of year that is a little bit magical. I usually love Christmas apart from having a bit of a shitty lead up this year but I’m hopeful it will be OK. I have the tree up and have sent out Xmas cards and dressed Bixby up to try and get my Christmas Cheer!!

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Dailey-babe! Thank you so much for reading and commenting, honey-bunny! Your version of Christmas, with your little Bixby-boy, sounds perfectly LOVELY. I wish I was there to tilt a glass with you and him. But, barring that, I’ll nod to you across the ocean and send warm, loving thoughts and hugs. Merry Christmas, my friend. Please give Bix and yourself a sweet kiss from me!

      Reply
  2. Claudia Moss

    Another simply exquisite post, Lizzy! I love lengthy, filling, satisfying, vivid and healing writing, and your work touches the Soul!

    Keep shining! And I adore that you met your beloved and learned that he loved Christmas. How beautiful is that! Cosmic love….

    Feliz Navidad, Hermanita!!

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Sweet Claudia, Thank you so much for the kind read and comments, honey. It’s so much fun looking back and seeing how far I’ve come in my healing, for sure. I love this process. Not always, of course, but I do love the results of taking responsibility and I love how when we do this, the universe blesses us in spades. You get it, my sister. I love that and YOU!

      Much love and warmth to you, honey. XOXO

      Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Hi, BulgingButtons-Babe! Thank you so much for reading and commenting, honey! It is really fun to be in a new, happier place with myself and digging deeper into my process. Thank you for the kind comments and encouragement, my sweet friend. I love you, tooooo!!

      Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Mel! Thank you so much for reading and commenting, honey! Joueux Noel, mon ami. And, I hope you have the happiest of new years. I will be faithfully following you and your amazing blog the whole way! Much love, your friend, Lizzy! XOXO

      Reply
  3. LB

    I’m so glad you have come to love all that this holiday is. Good for you and WE are all proud of you, too.
    Merry, Merry, and Happy Happy!

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      LB, My-Biker-Sister-and-Friend!! Thank you so much!! What a sweet thing to say, my sister. I cannot wait to meet you on that fine machine of yours this year. We have to make it happen, babe. Much love and warm hugs!

      Reply
  4. mariner2mother

    Merry Christmas Lizzy!! So very proud of you that my heart is bursting out of my chest! I love learning about how you’ve dug in, done work, and totally prospered from it more than you even expected. I am in shock that I’ve managed to get through yet another Christmas (well, part of the day), and my now eleven year old son got through opening presents and he STILL believes in Santa!!

    He was amazed when I unwrapped a chocolate bar that was in my stocking, and it was non-dairy dark chocolate. Even Santa knows that Mom can’t eat dairy! Wow! (He and Daddy got different chocolate bars that are milk chocolate).

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Susan-love-bunny!!

      Awwwwww…I love that your son still believes in Santa and at age 11. WOW!! That is too cool. Good job, mommy. Now, you get to take the rest of the new year off and relax. How’s that for permission? 🙂 I love you, friend and am so glad that we met in 2013. You have graced my bloggy with such warm, thoughtful, and wonderful energy. Now, my heart is bursting from my chest with gooey-love for you. I know how amazing you are and I feel lucky to have you in my sphere.

      Much love and delicious, dairy-free chocolate kisses!

      Reply
  5. Pingback: Loving Your Authentic Self With Body Positivity | IGNITE.ME |How to Stay True to Our Inner Beauty

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