A$$ Fat and Other Splendors

Ahhhh…the joys of ass-fat. In this post, I take a tongue-in-cheek (yeah, I said it) look at a recent craze sweeping our modern culture and offer an antidote to it. Disclaimer: In case you missed it. This is not a serious post. This is a silly, ranting, and slightly crazed post. I am NOT advocating plastic surgery. Please do not sue me for expressing my opinions. Please do not think, for a living second, that I am in any way saying that I agree with anyone at any time. Ever. There, that should cover me.

butt

In days of yore, women did everything they could to avoid having fat a$$es. I mean, they did, like, seriously damaging (and not-so-damaging) stuff to control the size of their trunks: for example, lipo, taking the stairs two-at-a-time, calf-raises, running–{{{shudder!}}} (I very much dislike running)–seated butt crunches, regular crunches, and so on. Remember those days? Gawd, I do. And, am I ever glad those days are over!

Because now, my friends! NOW we apparently want our butts to look like J-Lo‘s or Nicki Minaj‘s, Coco‘s or some Kardashian or other. Yes, we want big butts and we cannot lie. We now strive for round, full, fleshy, and abundant tushies that hang out there like a landing strip and proclaim to the world that we (A.) Actually eat (B.) Our men like it. And, (C.) We are genetically, “buttocks-ically gifted”, every single one of us.

If you’re not buttocks-ically gifted, not to worry! You can buy a butt and have it plopped in there in no time. You’ll emerge with a round keister of such voluminousness that others will stop, stare, and point. They will secretly covet your butt. They will wonder why they never noticed it before. They will ask you if you’ve been working out or dieting or taking the stairs. Ha!

Yes, you can buy an a$$ and look like you spend hours in the gym without actually doing so. Butt augmentation is one of the latest plastic surgery crazes currently sweeping the world. Apparently, from a quick bit of Internet research, the Brazilians are best at it (big surprise there) with something called the Brazilian Butt Lift. Google. I don’t have the stomach (ha!) for providing links here. Tons of people are going under the knife to look like, well, plastic. Hurrah!!

Hmmm…well, I, for one, have been waiting for this day to arrive for a very long time. Not just because I have a big bedonk and I know how to use it. Hahah! No, I’m happy that this day has come because I now possess what women all over the world are paying to get.

In fact, my arse is so perfect that I wrote a verse about it. Sing it with me:

I have a shelf. It sits up high. It has its own zip code. It does not lie. My butt is round, it’s full, and happy. My butt is so PERFECT for slapping.

Buwhahahahaa! Yes, I have a$$-fat for days. And, it’s now being celebrated. Thank you, Jesus. It’s about damn time. Whoop!

Lady_by_Lizzy

The following passages will show you, my friends, that I can be and often am judgmental. Ready?

<Now, imagine Liz pulling out her soapbox and standing upon it.>

As long as I shall live, I’ll never understand why people go under the knife. I just do not understand the psychology of how it comes to that or why it does.

I get that people are unhappy and often blame their bodies for making them unhappy. They spend countless hours suffering over some perceived flaw. They obsess and quantify and lament all the ways that they are wrong or ugly or less-than. They relentlessly exercise. They hurl a wide variety of soul-sucking expletives at their hard-working, under-appreciated physiques. I get it. Hell, I used to do it; but, eventually, doesn’t that get exhausting? Don’t you just get tired of carrying all that stuff? I mean, aren’t you sick-to-death of your own opinions and needless suffering and bitching, like, LONG before you go under the knife? Sigh.

I ask you this: isn’t it far easier to find a way to just accept what you’ve got, be as healthy as you can, and sit on the couch with your rosy cheeks (ha, ha!) and cellulite? We all have it! All of our asses sag. All of us have wrinkles and moles and dry skin, and “waist-boobs”. Not one of us is immune. We age, people. We get fat. We sag and crease and droop and poop. Everybody poops!

The kicker? We are in our 20s for exactly 10 years and then guess what? It all starts going to hell. But, it’s normal. It’s healthy. It’s RIGHT! (And, most 20-year-olds have their heads up they tiny a$$es anyway. Look to Miley Cyrus for a perfect example of said ass-hattery. Oh, okay she just turned 21, but yeah, she has her head way up “you know where”.)

Sagging skin is beautiful because you took the time, the years, and the life lessons to get it that way. Hello!

GD-it! it’s time for us to put plastic surgeons out of business, don’t you think? It’s time for us to love our lot in life, accept ourselves and move into higher consciousness. It’s time for us to feel, really feel all of our emotions and sit with them. It’s time for us to question our egos and ideas about the body. It’s time for us to demand self-acceptance from ourselves. It’s time to ignore what other people are doing or saying about us and do what we feel is right. Let’s do what our bodies want for a change.

Does this mean that we should sit like greasy lumps and shovel food into our head-holes all the live-long day? No. But, for poop’s sake, cutting into the body is the easy way out.  Yes, it’s easier and faster to simply get some surgery done rather than address your own psyche and emotional issues. But, addressing what is, at bottom (ha ha!), an emotional issue by cutting into and altering the body is so, if you’ll excuse the pun, a$$-backwards!

Please, please please stop hating your body and adding stuff that wasn’t there to begin with or taking away stuff that was there and you’ve decided has got to go because some airbrushed celebrity got ginormous a$$ implants. PLEASE! Run on the beach because you love oxygen not because you want to be a size zero. (Zero plus zero still equals zero.) Play basketball because you enjoy how your body moves. Eat a friggen’ chocolate cake because it’s tremendously mouth-gasmic and so satisfying and so necessary sometimes! Stop trying to look like a Kardashian. The friggen’ Kardashians don’t even look like Kardashians. Trust me.

Keep the butt that’s sitting on you now. Keep the boobs that hang off of you now. Keep yourself emotionally clear now. Work to resolve your inner resistance and tensions. Find out how to relax. Celebrate every single thing that is currently in your experience because you put it there. You asked for these bodies and you asked for these life lessons. Now, learn them, bless them, and move past them.

<Liz stepping off of her soapbox and sliding it into the closet>

I love you all. Gobs and gobs. 🙂 And, to prove it, here’s some “imperfect” boobs that I drew just for you! Note: In the original post, I had just one booby down there, but my adorbs friend and brother writer, Dan Hoger wanted to see both of ’em. And, can you really blame him? Here ya go, Dan:

breasts

Advertisements

45 thoughts on “A$$ Fat and Other Splendors

  1. kat

    thank god! its about time my butt got some positive recognition–yes, my badonkadonk, my junk-in-the-trunk, is finally more than just a cushion for hard chairs and benches. i always knew i was carrying around all this junk-in-the-trunk for a reason, that i was born with all this badonkadonk even though i am caucasion, for a good reason. now finally, it is being recognized for what it is, and i don’t even have to pay for it! i always knew there was a reason i didn’t get lipo-sucked or whatever else done–i’ll keep all this junk in my trunk, wear my badonkadonk like a crown, thank you very much! my body is finally recognized for the gorgeousness which it has always been.

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      KAT!
      YES!!! Absolutely, my darling sister. Work that gorgeous behind, honey. You have total permission to let that bedonk show in all her glory! Woop! Thanks for the very fun comments. You made my night, girl. XOXO

      Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      BulgingButtons-baby!! Thank you so much for stopping by and reading, honey. I can feel your admiration all the way over here and it’s delicious, but the best part is that you accept your gorgeous body, too. THAT, my friend, is the bees knees. So, now, I’m pumping admiration right back at you, sis. BIG hugs to you, honey-bunny!

      Reply
      1. BulgingButtons

        Now I’m strutting my fat butt around with a big grin on my face! You’re energy is infectious, lady!

        My night will be complete after I watch Dancing With The Stars finale in a few minutes (no spoilers, please!). I’m an Amber Reilly fan (there’s a gorgeous big girl) but I enjoy watching all of them dance. I personally have two left feet! 🙂

      2. BigLizzy Post author

        BB, Hhhahahaa! YAY! Love that image of you shaking yer stuff, sis. Would LOVE to be there to see it. But, because I can’t be there, I’ll just have to settle for shaking my fat ass in the mirror at myself and drooling. Buuwwwhahahaha! XOXO

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Anastasia-my-love!!

      Hahahahaha! I do have a pretty keen sense of humor, eh? I sometimes worry that it won’t come across, but this very kind note from you assures me that it’s working. Breathe, breathe!

      Happy Turkey/Chicken Day to you, too! I hope the new year brings you all of your deepest wishes and then some. Thank you for being a loyal friend and reader, honey. Much love to you!

      Reply
      1. astraltravler

        Dearest Lizzy,
        Something tells me we are Very Much Like Minded, and I think if we were to get together over coffee we would be laughing the majority of the time.
        May 2014 bring you Joy, Happiness, and Prosperity.
        Hugs & Kisses,
        Love & Light My Dear Friend
        Your Friend Always,
        Anastasia 😘

      2. BigLizzy Post author

        Oh, baby-Anastasia,

        There is no question of that, honey. We are totally cut from the same cloth. I know that we know each other on more than just a surface level, girl. I know this because the first time you contacted me, your name just “lit up” for me. And, your avatar, the angel is exquisitely beautiful. I had just read a book about Archangels and Ascended Masters when you contacted me, so yeah, it’s a soul-connection, sissy.

        Please come to Sedona. You WILL LOVE it here. We can go up to the Buddhist Stupa, walk around, say prayers for all living beings, and hike the red earth in the crystal-clear-blue sunshine. Then, we’ll ride really fast on my Purple Harley and praise other things. Ha!

        I love you deep in ma soul, sister.

      3. astraltravler

        Dearest Lizzy,
        When I was in middle school we lived in Phoenix, and then moved to Los Angeles when I was starting junior high. OMG I would LOVE to Take You up on your invitation. The visions of Riding on the back of Your Purple (I Love that) Harley is Exciting on So Many Levels. I will incorporate those thoughts while I meditate. If I only knew, I was in Los Angeles in August.
        I definitely Feel Kin, Yes You are Definitely my Soul Sista. Do you practice any form of metaphysical? I don’t believe in coincidences. My beliefs are that my Spirit Guides present Angels that I’m to connect with. The same way you wrote that particular post yesterday there was a connection on a deeper level.
        My email is astral_travler@hotmail.com if you would like to correspond privately. Have A Wonderful Holiday Celebration My Dear Sister.
        With Much Love,
        Big Hugs 😘

      4. BigLizzy Post author

        Anastasia!

        That’s incredible! We are sisters, honey. I was born and raised, well, for at least part of my childhood, in southern CA. I lived in LA and Orange Counties for quite some time, also Oregon and in the bay area of CA and way northern CA in Humboldt County. But, out of all of the places I have lived, Sedona is the best for me.

        I agree that there are no coincidences. Ever. We are connected. Everything that happens to us is drawn there by us for life lessons and to expand as souls. Yes, I’ve practiced, read, studied, and written about all kinds of metaphysical belief systems and modalities since my teens. I am all about that stuff. Right now, I’m teaching myself Tarot.:)

        I will email you so we have each other in our mail accounts. Love you, sis. Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Holidays to you, my sweet soul-sista. Big blessings are coming your way. I can feel it.

        XOXO

      5. astraltravler

        Dearest Lizzy,
        That’s Fantastic are you using the Rider-Waite Tarot set? I have the deck called Tarot Of The Cat People.
        http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/cards/tarot-of-cat-people/ As it truly represent the Leo in me. I made my own case and keep a quartz crystal in the pouch to keep them clear from negative vibrations. Are you using the Celtic 10 card spread? I’m into crystals and stones. I grew up in the San Fernando Valley.
        Have A Fantastic Thanksgiving My Dear Soul Sista😘
        Love & Light My Dear Friend,
        Anastasia 🔮

      6. BigLizzy Post author

        Hi, sweet Anastasia-honey!

        The deck that I’m using is the Universal Waite. I’m teaching myself Tarot with this really cool book and site for resources that another blog sister-friend told me about: http://www.biddytarot.com/. I love Brigit at Biddy Tarot; she’s so full of love and light. Anyway, I downloaded her book for teaching yourself Tarot in 30 days.

        I have crystals and rocks all over my office. : ) You and I really are sisters. Warm hugs to you, my friend and sister. So glad we met by way of the blogosphere.

        XOXO

      7. astraltravler

        Dearest Lizzy,
        That’s Fantastic. It wont take long for you to learn. I would take a card a day and memorize what it represented after I understood its position in the deck. Have you learned any of the spreads?
        I’m so Happy that I was brought to your site from Sal Raspberrydelights. Indeed I’m Ecstatic to know that I Do have A Sista Soul Mate.
        Big Hugs Darlin
        XoXo

  2. Pua Nani

    It is so sad to think of people getting plastic surgery over something so silly as a big or small ass. Is that not the ultimate message of valuing society’s projections over your own truth? Or to rephrase that, saying that love and acceptance come from outside of yourself and not inside of yourself and that you will never be ok as you are?
    Like anyone I struggle sometimes with self doubt and body hatred. I understand the pain that leads people to do that even though I think it’s terrible. I appreciate your calling attention to how unnecessary and ridiculous this is.
    I hope that we can all become more able to accept and celebrate ourselves and those around us.

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Pua Nani,

      Couldn’t agree with you more, honey. It really is such a sad situation. And, despite my making light of it, I do take this issue really seriously. I was anorexic and bulimic in my youth, so I understand other people’s pain about this on a cellular level. I really do. But, at some point, I wanted healing more than I wanted to be thin. I chose living over adhering to other people’s ideals.

      That being said, even I, with all my self-esteem and self-love, struggle some days. It’s like the fat-hating world just climbs up inside of me and stands there judging me and not budging. I have days where I just want to hide.

      I’m not saying that others should be able to do the healing thing at my level or anyone else’s, I just want people to question everything. Question the mind. Questions who’s voice you are hearing and ask if it’s your own and what you really believe about the body and your life. Ask for healing. Look inside for your answers. Stuff like that.

      You get this, totally. Thank you so much for the discussion, sweet sis. Warm hugs to you!

      Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Dan, Hahahahaha! Right? It proves my point though. You don’t need two. Rock what you got, brother. But, yeah, I will add another boobie, because hell, everyone likes boobs. I don’t care who you are! Thanks for reading and commenting, my writerly friend. I’m diggin’ your blog, too.

      Reply
  3. MELewis

    Lizzy, you are a punster after my own heart. Thanks for this hilarious ‘tongue in cheek’ rant! Now I’m gonna get off my big fat duff and go for a little walk so as to earn myself a nice pain-au-chocolat. Santé!

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      MELewis, Awww…high praise indeed coming from you, my darling Frenchy. Thank you so much for the read and comments. Please, please, please have some pain-au-chocolate for me. I recently ate a croissant au chocolate the other day at S-bucks, but man, it just didn’t do it for me. French pastry is unparalleled.

      Hey, I wonder if the S-bucks in Paris has better pastry than in the States? Hmmm…I’ll have to come over and check it out. I mean, it’s research, right?! LOL!

      Hugs to you, my friend. Big-Bedonk-Lizzy

      Reply
  4. Claudia Moss

    Morning, Lizzy!

    I enjoyed and loved this lovely piece from beginning to end. Simultaneously hilarious and essential, rooted in self-love, it reminds me to adore my nonexistent tush for which I am yet being teased at times! But that’s just dandy, it’s still handy, and I love it!

    And you know I love the imperfect in the perfect drawing of the beautiful boobies! 🙂

    Carry on, Lizzy Darling! Do whatever you do…just keep writing!

    Love & Light,
    Claudia

    XOXO

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Claudia-babe, Thank you so much! I thought you’d love the perfect/imperfect boobies! I totally thought of you and your wonderful guest posts when I was drawing them. I’m glad you liked this post, babe. Love you gobs and gobs!

      Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      LB! hahahahahaa! I love that, too! Our ride was AWESOME, honey! The weather in AZ is near-perfect for riding year round. I was sending you lots of Harley hugs and riding energy. Is your baby all fixed? Hugs to you both, mama. XOXO

      Reply
  5. Aussa Lorens

    Haha I will never understand getting a surgery like that– that’s just scary and expensive. Honestly, I have no idea what my ass looks like. I haven’t thought about in a thousand years (except for now I want to go buy a full length mirror and examine my derriere, thanks a lot). I imagine it’s nice and cushy flab because it does a great job of supporting me while I sit on it all day long. And what the heck is a butt crunch? Wait, don’t tell me, I don’t need to know these things…

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Hi, Aussa!
      I love your humor so much, darlin’! I totally agree with you. Getting any surgery to me is really nutty, but having a surgery to make something bigger that could be accomplished much easier by eating regular doses of heavy whipping cream, butter, and croissant? That’s just CRAZY!! I bet your tushy is PERFECT! Hahahaha “What the heck is a butt crunch? Wait, don’t tell me.” Hahahahahaha! I’m going to tell you. It’s simply where you sit and squeeze your butt cheeks together as hard as you can and do that, like, a zillion times until you can barely walk afterwards. see? That wasn’t so bad now was it?! Love you, sis!

      Reply
      1. Aussa Lorens

        Haha it’s like a kegel for your arse– got it. I just did about 3 of them and I am utterly exhausted and in need of caloric compensation so I don’t pass out.

        This post cracked me up, so very much 🙂

      2. BigLizzy Post author

        Aussa, Totally!!! A kegel for your ass. Hahahahaha! I love that you tried it three times and are now exhausted. You absolutely crack me up, mommy. Please come and play with me over here often. You’re funnier-n-shit. Much love, sis!

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Thank you so much, baby-Frances-babe! I appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment. I am heading over to devour your new post. Love you and your ability to celebrate the body, darling. My heart fills with joy when I connect with you on this stuff. Many warm hugs of joy to you, sis. XOXO

      Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      GG,

      Right?! Tongue in cheek…HA! I practically feel out of my chair when I wrote that line. I felt so proud of myself for making such a “funny”!! I mean, sometimes, I am so ON!! 🙂

      OHMAGOSH, thank you for this link! I had not seen this article and am so beyond tickled that you shared it with me. I love this. I read it with great joy inside and a deep knowing because it has been my experience. It’s about damn time we “big butt girls” get some due. I mean, we are weight lifting all of the time over here, people! That should count for SOMETHING!

      Butt (ha, ha!), in all seriousness, it’s not at all a surprise to me that they are finding out things like this. Women, in general, have a much wider spectrum of health than men. In other words, we get a much more varied range. It’s due to the fact that our bodies are designed for child bearing. We have to gain weight and it’s right that we do and our bodies easily accommodate the process.

      For example, I can swing in my weight in either direction up to 70 pounds and my vitals don’t change one wit. Blood pressure = 110 over 70. I stay just as healthy at 200 pounds as I do at 270 pounds. Now, I feel better when I am around 220 pounds, but I am healthy no matter what. My hubby, on the other hand, can gain as little as 13 pounds and his blood pressure goes up, his back starts hurting, and he feels like crap. He cannot tolerate weight gain of any kind. In fact, he gets sick from it.

      So, finding that women with bigger asses are more healthy and intelligent doesn’t surprise me in the least. We are designed for cushioning; it’s vital to our health, both physical and mental. I just love this. Thank you, again, for sharing this article. Big butts unite!

      XOXO

      Reply
  6. beckysaysthings

    “I have a shelf. It sits up high. It has its own zip code. It does not lie.”
    This is pure poetry, and I shall immediately steal it off you and start singing it about my own bum (obviously I will change ‘zip code’ to ‘post code’, because we don’t want a pesky UK/US lost-in-translation moment, do we? 😉 )
    I LOVE this new craze for big bums, and I LOVE your ridiculously inspirational and joyful writing about our bodies; your writing is like a huge protective hug and I really like getting a hug off you 🙂

    Reply
    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Becky-BABY! HahahahahahahhahahahahahaHHHHAAAA! I’m so glad you enjoyed that little ditty. I wrote it all myself. Hahahahaha! It is pretty dang funny, isn’t it?! Steal it all you want, my sister-from-another-Mister! It’s YOURS! You have earned it with your gorgeous bum! And, yes, change Zip Code to Post Code (You Brits are funny!); we can’t have any more International vernacular confusion, now can we?! I love ya, doll. I love that you get the fun, the emotion, the joy from this blog because you deserve every bit of it and more. It fills my heart with joy to know that you find joy here, sis. Such love coming your way! Muwahhh!

      Reply
      1. BigLizzy Post author

        Becky-darling, Awww…right back at you! You hug me with your kind words and most awesome sense of humor, my cutie-pie. And, by reading my words, taking in the loving message here, and feeling this happiness, well, that is about the biggest hug you can ever give me. I’m merely channeling the kindness with which you have already gifted the world, my friend. That’s how it works. 🙂 Love is all that matters and the more we can do that, the better our lives (and bigger our asses) get! hahahaha! Warm, ridiculously fun, and loving hugs to you!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s