How are your senses? Are they sharp, defined, full of feeling, attention-grabbing? Do you feel and know things that you can’t quite explain? Do you sometimes have to close your eyes to control the stimulation coming at you and through you? Are you light-sensitive? Do you feel emotions taking root inside of your body? Are you convinced that sometimes the emotions are not yours, but they are so strong that they become yours, so it doesn’t really matter? For me, it’s all of the above.
I sometimes joke with people about being so sensitive that when a moth dies in the Amazon, I feel it. I really do feel like this. Being me, in this body, in this particular life is like being on hyper-drive all of the time. I feel so deeply that it scares other people. Hell, it often scares me and I’m in here. I’ll give you some examples.
When I first began dating my now husband, we were sitting in the car at a traffic light. There, on the corner was an enormous man who clearly was trying to gauge his ability to get across the street in time before the light changed. I could feel his thoughts, his consternation, his concern. Because of his size, he was very worried. I didn’t blame him; it was a busy street. He had difficulty walking. I could feel all of this from him. But, it went beyond that. I could feel his life-long grief, his vulnerability, his sorrow. I could feel his body. I registered the pain in his back. I could feel the troubled past of this man in my very cells. And, it was an instant-sharp-knife in my heart. I sat there looking at him, getting waves of this information and simultaneously feeling my own heart break into a million pieces for this man. I was choked by it. I simply could not breathe. I couldn’t take it.
In a flash, I closed my eyes, turned away, and started sobbing. Craig looked over at me and immediately asked what was wrong. Through my profuse tears, I explained to him what had just happened and told him how it happens to me all of the time. I explained that it has happened to me in the supermarket before and I’ve had to walk out of the store with a shopping cart full of food sitting there, because I cannot hold the energy, the activity, the feelings. I actually half expected Craig to high-tail it for the hills at about that point, but he didn’t. He was sad for me but also interested in learning more about this phenomenon.
Another example: Sometimes, I’ll be walking through a room and it’s like I walk into a bubble of energy that is so strong it takes my breath away. I instantly start to tear up and suck in my breath. As a Pisces, I am so “on” that my natural reaction to anything, whether it’s sad, happy, energetic, or otherwise is to cry. The tears will start rolling down my cheeks, quickly with little provocation, as I try to sort out what the hell it was that I just walked through. My body? It begins to shake and I get chills from my head to my toes. I feel agitated, antsy, and like I have to move my body very quickly. I rarely figure out what it was that I walked through, by the way. I just don’t understand what it is or why it happens to me.
When a friend thinks of me, I feel a warm little “ping” in the core of my body. I may not know who is doing the thinking, but I feel them. I feel others’ emotions even when not in the same room or state or country. I can feel all of the people whom I love. I mean, I LOVE people so strongly and so tremendously, it’s earth-moving, deep, intense, and have I mentioned, pretty scary sometimes. But, I can feel people thinking about me and creating an opening between us.
The thing is, I have largely fought this sensitivity all of my life. I have fought this level of feeling all of my flippin’ life. It has always scared me to feel as deeply as I do, so I have used my body as a shield against feeling. I have created a large, strong outer shell to buffer the stimulation coming at me. For so many years, I was so “open” and so “on” that I couldn’t contain the emotion, the stimuli, so I’ve used my precious body as a go-between, a pillow to protect my sensitive inner core, a core that felt like it was always about to shatter. And, my body has done such an amazing job of protecting me. She has.
But, this denial of my gifts, this “clamping down” on my sensitivity has come at a huge cost. I have shielded so pervasively that I cannot hear my spirit guides now. I’m having a real problem advancing my spiritual explorations because of my deep-seated fear of “feeling too much” or “knowing too much”. I’ve largely shut down my third eye and made myself dense, heavy, slow, and closed off to my inner, feminine faculties. I have aligned with the male in me and the victorious, the aggressive, the strong. I have harmed my lovely body with overwork, stress, and injuries.
What I didn’t realize (until I was 42 years old) was that I was living with a wide-open etheric body. In a reading, a psychic told me that all of my chakras were wide open, unprotected, and that people were climbing their energy inside of me all day, every day. I was literally a dumping ground for other people’s energetic outpourings. Ah-HA! It made perfect sense! No wonder I always felt like such crap after being in public. No wonder I couldn’t tolerate concerts, the theater, or parties or groups of more than five people; because I was, in essence, a walking nerve ending with all this energy and feeling that did not belong to me. People’s energy would bomb-blast me and I’d be sick for three days afterwards. I would just “crash”. So, no wonder I used my body to guard me and resist all of this. I couldn’t consciously understand what was happening to me and why I always felt like such poop, so, I did my best to shut down and make my body do all of the heavy lifting (pun intended).
Now, I like to think of myself as undergoing sensitivity training. I am actively working to shield myself with various exercises and meditations instead of using my poor body to do it. These exercises create a safe space around me and allow me to go out into public with some measure of comfort. While they aren’t perfect, the exercises do help buffer me. With continued use, I have also begun dipping into the softness inside, the female intuition that, in the past, I tried (unsuccessfully) to eradicate. I’ve begun to safely open myself up to the stimulation around me by choice instead of by default. And, in the last four years, I have managed to accept that this sensitivity of mine is here for a reason and that it means something; it’s useful and precious. I’m now willing to let Source use it (and me) to help other people, but in a healthy manner. And, for the most part, I don’t walk around getting climbed on. If I let someone in, it’s because I want them there. : )